still calm, so far

it's saturday morning. thankfully i am still not beset by the usual dread about practice so i am functioning normally now, cleaning up my place.

i try not to think of later and how i am not really sure what makes me nervous the most - the practice or the Story. nah, i think it's the practice. because i feel the Story is strongly hinged on my practice, on how strong my capacity for commitment is.

edward never got in touch in again after that surprisingly personal email. it's just like how he usually does. he gets close and then jumps away a mile. an automatic self-defense, self-preservation mechanism, that makes you think if what has transpired actually happened.

jacob, on the other hand, broke my self-imposed silence. again, just when i least expected it. when i have pretty much almost given up. again he proves me wrong like a wordless "o ye of little faith". only i wonder what he really means by all this, and how much he knows himself and his own heart.

right now i only want to be able to survive today's two-hour session. then i'll move on to having to survive the rest of the night.