i just got home

almost three am on a monday morning. and i am seriously contemplating just working from home tomorrow because i think i will be so dazed from lack of sleep two hours from now.

you know those especially lucid or vivid dreams when what you think about happens? i had a bit of that tonight. or rather, last night. only it wasn't a dream, it was for real. as if my thoughts were cues and the events unfolded accordingly.

but first i have to write about saturday and what happened after i drew the rune that said what is yours will come to you.

i threw up.

i had become so agitated that i threw up. my feelings had become a churning, boiling, swirling storm of wanting to practice and dreading the practice and wanting to practice for the right reason and wanting to do the better thing regarding the Story and not wanting to be so heartsick or impatient or expecting too much.

then i took a deep breath and said aloud: it's a scheme. my wanting to go away for a while. it's dabbling into the how, trying to force the hand of events. it's me running away and hoping it will be rewarded instead. it's me being scared and allowing myself to be a coward.

i made myself dress up for practice. even while i was feeling sick. even if i knew i had not prepared myself inside because i was almost set on just running away for a while.

but that's when i also realized how i wanted to practice even if i was so scared. and that's when i was able to find that boundary line that separates my practice from the Story. and hence i could make decisions distinct of one from the other.

practice was good. i survived the two hours and even surprised myself and my senior opponent when i scored a point after less than a minute of beginning the match.

ulquiorra and toushiro alternately occupied the space beside me after practice. i was warmed more by ulquiorra's move though.

i think and feel that ulquiorra is much braver than toushiro in so many ways. and i think ulquiorra's heart is also bigger and more capable of dealing with abundant emotion.

so we did the saturday routine after practice.

except before we parted ways for the night, toushiro gave me a magazine. he said he was at the supermarket checkout counter and i guess he saw it and thought i could use it. you can imagine me stunned for a few seconds before i said thank you in the most normal voice possible.

meanwhile, ulquiorra casually mentioned about the possibility of maybe having chinese new year dinner at his home the next day (with a few other friends). still, i think it's a bit of a deal to be invited.

so sunday: met up with ururu, ukitake and ulquiorra. but ukitake had to go to work. so it was me and ururu ended up having dinner at ulquiorra's home. then a movie in his home theater, then coffee and some more music tripping. then home. and thus, i just got home.

and i had a great chinese new year eve. who would have thought?