as i have been setting my House in order i realized that not only is it the beginning of 2009. soon it will also be the beginning of the new lunar year, and also the beginning of a new life year for me (since my birthday falls in february).
i have taken time off from everything in the past year: my friends, my family, my work, everything except my practice and the crazy story all entwined in it. thus i feel that i have not really given my self a chance to breathe without being hooked up to them all the time. maybe i have even forgotten to breathe by myself. which would be both a bad and a sad thing.
yesterday in the middle of work i was struck by the idea of just not showing up for a couple of weeks. like ripping off the needle and the tubes feeding me with all these craziness. it just bothers me that my practice has to be affected. i thought about going to practice but not being with them afterwards but i know that i would easily crumble when i am already there facing them. my heart would not be able to take the giving up.
on the other hand, i do not exactly have an alternative plan on what to do with my suddenly free saturdays. certainly i do not want to offer myself up for moping and potential depression.
yesterday i was certain that disappearing for a while was the right thing to do. but last night and this morning i was getting cold feet.
V said disappearing is good. disrupt everyone's comfort zone. make everyone pause and wonder.
assuming, of course, that they are not so severely dense.
ugh. i wish i could just go off to a beach or something for a while.
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