four days

four days spent with jacob.

i am so caught. hook, line and sinker.

new moon

you know how it is when a story sort of goes on a flatline for a while and then something jolts it back into crazy?

that's what happened saturday.

totally unexpected. typical cosmic joke style of the universe. even i, with my vivid and convoluted imagination, did not foresee Things unfolding or revealing in the ways it did.

let me just say that one of the questions that have always caused me much concern, that is, whether this had all been delusional, has been answered. the answer may not be a hundred percent but a significant enough percentage to fund a whole new season, a whole new volume. welcome 2009.

here's another unexpected twist. didn't i just mention i only expected to see people/ certain persons once during the holidays? as it turned out, i've spent the last three days with jacob.

i have never seen jacob behave in a way that challenged edward's position and role in the group, but that's how he's been behaving recently. and edward has been responding in ways that hint at his defenses being breached.

so many details i would love to share but they will have to go in my other private written journal. too risky to write here.

friday night

i had this image in my head after i had hugged jacob merry christmas the last time we saw each other before christmas. i imagined that the group would meet up again once after christmas and before new year. and then before he dropped me off i would either find an excuse to have him go up to my place or even find a way to do it in the car. no, nothing drastic. i was just imagining that maybe i could get/give a longer hug, and maybe manage to get/give a kiss. again, nothing drastic, just maybe a kiss planted closer to the lips, or near the ear and maybe coupled with the whisper of a little riddle. i don't know. i was simply trying to imagine a scene that could maybe help ease this wish clogging my reason.

in any case i was only hoping for one more meeting. then it could be the perfect setting for a pre-new-year little cliffhanger of an episode.

so edward did follow up on meeting up today. as predicted, jacob messaged me to check on my availability. he picked me up later on with ukitake (who moved to the back seat saying i should not have to sit with the mess.)

so there was dinner after much shopping and browsing (done separately and edward suggested at one point that i hang out with him instead and to let jacob and ukitake go off on their own. of course, i stuck with jacob.) when i mentioned it to jacob he said edward was probably feeling "insecure". i wasn't sure exactly what he meant but i just said something like he needs to be in that position once in a while.

(other details that would go in my other journal: coffins, veins and blood-drinking)

instead of a movie (because i had unconsciously blurted out my lack of fondness for local films) we went to a starbucks and had long crazy conversations about anime, childhood toys and games, among other things. ukitake even decided i'll be his resource person for his daughter, who was also born an aquarius. he said he wants proper role models for his daughter. i think he was intrigued by my comment that it's okay to indulge her in her little princess fantasies.

later in the night somehow i found myself part of a plan to play ---- airsoft. i blinked in part disbelief as i realized i have been included in the plan and ukitake was really encouraging me to participate. he said i would have fun hunting each one of them in turn. (i think i wanted to laugh out loud at that moment.) as jacob and ukitake laid out the plans, edward started to become more silent.

later on, i commented to jacob about it and he said it's because edward is no longer in control. it was already territory that wasn't familiar to him and he couldn't be alpha. jacob said something along the lines of "he couldn't always be alpha dog".

so here's the thing. i met with them tonight and i'm seeing them again on monday. so i don't really know if i'll get the chance to do my crazy kiss thing. anyway, we'll see.

jacob even invited me to join their "secret practice" on monday morning, an activity that is not exactly condoned by edward because it could cause trouble with the club authorities. but i think i'll join the secret practice. i want to see nanao-chan and shunsui. bahala na.

at this point, i feel as if the cards are turning out unknown arcanas.

the fairy tale is spinning in a blur of tricky twists towards a happily ever after.

best christmas ever

so far, so good.

i received really great gifts, many of them unexpected. i drove the family to my grandmother's house for lunch. then a quick nap before another family get-together with my father's side of the family.

jacob messaged mid-afternoon and it's still going on as i write. sometime early evening edward messaged and we actually had a bit of an exchange which was 1) totally out of the ordinary since he is mr. abrupt 2) rather odd and rather frustrating in tone and content -- he is so walled up and defensive. in any case, i did not enjoy it much and was super glad that i was having a conversation with jacob.

well, edward was suggesting meeting up tomorrow. i don't know if the rest of the group are free. anyway, i got a headache and i'm craving for a caramel macchiato. it's a rainy christmas and hot coffee would be so perfect, especially if sipped in the company of certain people. ^_^

declaring Things to the Universe

merry christmas jacob.
aishiteru.
^_^

photo from thesweettoothfairy at flickr

christmas break to-dos

i am currently multi-tasking: cooking lunch (rice, pork and chicken liver adobo), wrapping gifts, and making my to-do list for what remains of the year.

i need to find the following:
- guest seats (edward wants to help on this one)
- a small table for my printer
- a foyer table
- 3M double-adhesive tape for my cork board, and other things that need adhering
- a new desk lamp (because the current one keeps on killing its bulbs)
- a not-too-expensive but nice looking portable hard drive (250 GB minimum)
- another sauce pan
- a smaller frying pan
- a kitchen scale (for my baking)

i need to do the following:
- clean up all my hard drives
- have Morningstar's memory upgraded
- organize my DVDs
- submit that letter to my building manager about my payment plans
- fix my closet and make final decisions on what to dispose, simultaneously plan wardrobe for next year
- email edward about the batch christmas party
- email the frenchwoman
- have a massage and some hand/feet pampering

and i have to make a plan for tomorrow, christmas eve, on last-minute shopping.

i'm sure there's a few more things i've missed. but this should do for now.

drinking, driving and trading off a raffle win for love

i had the best ever christmas party last night. for the first time in my whole office party history i had a super great time. i was with friends i love, people who truly cared a damn about me, people i truly enjoy being with. the venue was perfect. the food was delicious and the desserts were heavenly. at least 1.5million worth of cash prizes were given away.

there was an open bar lined up with beautiful coloful drinks in shot glasses. and i found myself downing tequila rose scrambles --- with no allergic reactions. i think i downed at least seven shots of different lovely-looking drinks that tasted as marvelous as they looked. i may have gotten a bit more smiley and talkative but no allergic hyperventilation or rashes. my cheeks were flushed and warm but that was about it. no tipsiness. i was able to drive home safely.

i won about seven thousand for my team at the slot machines. i think i got one of the biggest cash outs and i got it so early in the gaming hour. i felt a current of almost electricity run through my body as i watched the winnings going up on the digital screen. without hesitation i traded off all that money luck for something else. i had the sense i would win in the raffles, and most likely one of the bigger cash prizes. but i traded that luck off too. i want something else.

of course, more accurately, i want someone. and something from that someone.

i didn't win the raffle, i just got the default cash prize for non-raffle winners (5000).

i messaged jacob telling him i must be rather immune to tequila. after indulging in our usual banter he told me to drive home safely and to message him when i got home.

christmas party music was by a band hired by the party committee and they played songs from my jacob playlist as if on a cosmic joke.

i received tons of gifts. and i kissed and hugged so many people and i even kissed and hugged all my bosses.

an ex-crush of mine popped up in the party (he used to be an ex-officemate) and i got to hug and kiss him too.

there was so much love and happy energies. moments that remind me how blessed i am in countless ways.

i promise to be the most deserving person of so much blessings, including finally entrusting my heart with the love of the rest of my life.

thank you, Universe. thank you, gods.

gifts and christmas wishes

i've finally distributed my gifts. now i have a pile of candy canes beside me for contingency.

the paper bags i used to bring in my gifts for giving away are now half-filled with received gifts. looks like there will be a fun bunch to open on the night of the 24th. ^_^

with the contagious cheerful moods of everyone, my own well of emotions has sufficiently calmed down for me to appreciate the joys of the season. i am my usual optimistic self again.

and still wishing for jacob.

cramming, crying and contemplating leaps

nearly done with christmas gifts.

yesterday i managed to get out of the house and do enough shopping to complete what i need for today. while driving to the mall the tears brimmed and i had to take a lot of deep breaths.

jacob and i messaged all afternoon and all evening. i started it, and it went on for about a couple of hours and then he picked up where we left off about an hour later and that went on for a while, and then i got busy shopping and then he popped in again and we finally said goodnight at almost midnight.

my head is actually starting to hurt a bit wishing for him so hard. hahaha!

and i could feel the stirrings of a madness waking up in my heart. regardless of the absence of proper mistletoes. and with the new year as the most legitimate of excuses.

jacob and bella

(photo from xanga.com)

so happy the tears just started falling

as i am writing this my vision is blurred. tears are leaking down my face like a damaged dam. i find it difficult to breathe and my head feels like it wants to burst.

how did it start? i woke up. and a jumble of thoughts poured into my head, mostly made up of the many things that happened last night. add to that the customary sheen of the holiday season that adds just a little bit more intensity and color to everything.

i am not entirely sure why i'm crying. i never cry during christmas. i don't even get super-excited over christmas.

it could be the 2008 magic. that suddenly i could actually feel something. me and my defense mechanisms finally breaking down, stripping my soul-skin off, leaving my spirit raw to the onslaught of storms.

i suspect i'm crying because i am happy. and i am happy because of this big deep love nestling within the abandoned regions of my heart. discovered like the child born in the manger. and only a single star pointing the way.

i have always thought i was confused. i even think at some point i confused myself deliberately. because it seems somehow easier that way. like sitting on the fence and being a mere spectator, without the responsibility of taking sides or making choices.

but perhaps my heart was never really confused and it always knew. and maybe this morning it asserted itself.

the tears have subsided now. i think i can safely get myself ready and finish my christmas shopping. *takes very deep breaths*

kaeritai

i want to go home.

first, i'm hungry. hahaha. and i want to gobble up about four more blocks of Royce Au Lait.

second, i'm pretty much done with work. i just have this one last meeting this afternoon.

i need to go to the supermarket - so maybe i'll pass by Rustan's in Power Plant after my client meeting. then pick up another box of Royce.

and before the meeting, i think i'll leave the office early and have lunch at Rockwell too. and maybe grab some christmas bags from Wrap Shop.

i've made a shopping list for my muffin ingredients. will attempt to bake from scratch this weekend.

oh darn i need to go to the gym tonight.

it's beginning to feel like christmas

finally- the season bug has bitten me.

i came to work this morning to find the beginning of gifts on my desk. and an email detailing the contents of the customary christmas basket given to employees (which include 2 kilograms of ham and a queso de bola and a box of delicious brownies).

everyone has also been cheery and spirits are uplifted in varying degrees.

i was supposed to have lunch with jinta but our schedules got crazy and so we decided to reschedule on friday.

instead i had lunch with the girls and our friend X and A, another officemate. we went to Teriyaki Boy and ordered the chibi meals -- basically the kiddie meals that had fruitsicles and coffee jelly for dessert.

i just finished a meeting and it looks like the last two presentations of the year will be good ones. perfect endings for a most productive year.

jacob messaged this afternoon, being very attentive about my finding a remote control for my home theater system.

tomorrow i'll be bringing the car to a client meeting so i won't have to go all the way back to the office. i can just go home straight after the meeting. *grin* but not before i've gotten jacob's gift. ;)

i'll try to post some pics later. i've accumulated a lot lately and i need to share them soon.

so how does a fish get caught?

through its mouth.

just like babbling about the quality of VCD videos when played in an HDTV. which led to edward asking if i had connected my TV to a system and for a while i was tongue-tied and i wasn't sure how to answer because i think i didn't want a stream of questions about the system and how i got it and in trying to figure out what to safely say i did the the stupidest thing. my eyes flickered very very briefly towards jacob but it was enough for edward to catch and so he turned to jacob and asked him if my TV was hooked up to a receiver and jacob said yes. and thankfully edward did not pursue the matter although it would have been so perfectly natural for him to probe on specs and stuff.

yachiru has been slightly scolding me again about edward and jacob and said i should be reaching out more to edward and not making jacob seem like a closed deal. i'm not entirely sure what she means but i get the drift especially when she has expressedly stated that if i had to really choose i should choose edward.

at this point i think choosing would be almost easy.

i think it's actually tougher to have the universe stir Things up so that the question to choose would actually be put forward.

as i've mentioned before, a girl falling in love does not set things in motion. what does is when the boy falls in love.

full moon night, full circle, the saga continues

the moon is perfectly full tonight, a silver disc almost begging for poetry gleaming in the night sky.

i finished my work at lunchtime and then i napped and then went to watch practice. edward was quick to approach and to ask why i wasn't practicing.

ururu got to see my place. she tagged along with me and my sis. my sis took her shower at my place. ururu got to pet mogget.

it was our christmas party and i guess part of the 2008 quirk- i actually won in the raffle, and not the least prize either. and i accuraely predicted (although jokingly) about ururu and yachiru winning.

the frenchwoman predicted that all of us girls would win, and we did. she also said she thinks it will be edward, not jacob.

we had coffee at UCC. edward took off my charm bracelet to closely inspect the charms hanging from it, and then put it back on my wrist.

jacob's knee touched mine under the table for most of the evening. do guys actually notice these things? and there was always so little space between us. sometimes i don't even notice it until i do notice it, like how close we tend to place ourselves to each other.

edward kept on reminding me about giving him the info he needs so he could give design tips for my place.

the group might go out for a movie later. edward suggested it.

jacob, of course, took me home.

there was a rather amusing moment (to me, at least) when edward told me that he has met jacob's friend who does electronic stuff. he then asked me if i know this friend already and i said yes, and there was this tiny tiny pause. because, if anyone comes to think of it, how and why would i know this friend? --- another moment when my snowglobe world with jacob is almost spilled into the open. why does it have to be a snowglobe world anyway? that remains a puzzle to me. is it something that both jacob and i consciously keep from the others? but why? and why is it that it seems and feels almost awkward to talk about it with the group? how come we could not casually mention about these other things we do and share outside of the group? i guess it is partly because that revelation would somehow brand us in a certain way, and maybe we are not ready for that kind of definition. most likely he is not ready for the possible turns and twists that definition could take.

during the evening i kept on thinking back to a year ago. when i first caught on edward staring, and how he asked about me afterwards. and then the mad year that followed, now culminating in this cliffhanging chapter. a year ago i was only dreaming of being able to break through his inner circle. now we actually have some kind of relationship akin to those in anime where nothing is definite and yet anything is possible. despite what he said in the card. despite what i wrote in the journal. and add to that the layer of the jacob story, when a year ago i could not even begin to imagine he would bother with me, or that we would even have this kind of relationship that has exceeded all my expectations.

my spirit remains to be an eternal fount of hope, a believer in fairy tales, a heart ever optimistic in happily-ever-afters.

life is good. it will continue to be so. love, well, has a way of unfolding its story in perfect ways you could never hope to figure out.

still up

i am almost done. i think. i hope so.

i've locked myself in the house for the whole day. almost like a punishment, making myself finish this presentation so i don't have to work on it anymore over the weekend. i really, really want to try shopping on sunday (crosses fingers). P, my former boss and current yoga teacher, has already given me a gift! and X, the team's dear sweet boy-friend has already started asking for shoe sizes. i am most pressured!

to refresh my brain i watch episodes of House (season 4). i like the twist where CB/Cutthroat Bitch/Amber ends up dating Wilson and House is being difficult about it. i actually sincerely hope that Amber and Wilson stay together and annoy the hell out of House. (i love House but he's so damn... difficult! ~ reminds of someone i know...)

anyway, at the rate i'm going, i just might be able to finish working within the day (it's saturday, yes) but it also means i'll be too tired out to practice later - and it's going to be a three-hour session because of the year-end tournament! tonight will also be the christmas party (and i haven't gotten myself a handy mistletoe...)

and now i suddenly get the craving to watch some anime... but no. i. have. to. work.

tokyo and edward

yeah. strange.

but last night i dreamed i was in tokyo and shopping. and i was with edward, along with a couple of girls from the office.

i've been working late the past few nights. there's a possibility i'll pull an all-nighter tonight. *sigh* C got sick and is therefore unable to do the analysis and report for a presentation due next week.

on the other hand, this could be a good token as the year ends. there are still things only i could whip up in so short a time.

soundtracks

i had my iPod playing on speakers.

i opened the door to let him in.

"Passenger Seat" drifted in, the words nonchalantly swirled beneath our spoken words.

"oh and i can't keep my eyes on the road, knowing that she's inches from me..."

he said goodbye.

but then he somehow found another trail of conversation. and he took it. lingered. i let him.

"This Kiss" piped in, echoing my quiet delight.

"Run me off into the sunset, baby I'm forever yours."

we were talking by the kitchen.

then there was a brief lull when we were both silent.

and as if on cue, the next song started "Kiss me..."

"Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor..."

lingered, lingered, lingered.

feels like home

saying goodnight to each other at the end of a long day.

i'll catch up, i promise

i'm out of time again. i have to sleep now because i have to be up by 5:30am. i will write more later this day (it's monday already i know).

just to add to last night's details : twilight reference

and then let me just also mention in this entry that jacob fixed my home theater system all evening of sunday and we had dinner at almost midnight and finally parted ways at half past twelve.

he also bought me the Twilight soundtrack. i'm going to pop it into the car during the morning drive later.

half past three

just got home.

i have to go to sleep now because i will be driving the family to a christmas reunion tomorrow, or rather, this, morning.

for the meantime let me write down some "landmarks" for the detailed entries later:

- the rune of gebo
- driving to practice
- toushiro
- jacob popping in
- jacob and lots of lingering (actually, both edward and jacob)
- ukitake (and a little fact that i didn't know)
- fortune cookies
- horror movies and edward's "joke"
- aishiteru motel version *lol*
- movie and india
- blueberry and "get-a-room" candidate scenes
- meeting jacob later

there.

details later. oyasumi.

agonizing

i really have to work something out to manage this horrible stressful pre-practice symptoms.

i get so stressed i actually throw up. and it's worse than any pre-presentation jitters i may have experienced, ever.

and to think i didn't even really have to do this. so it's like i am willfully subjecting myself to all this mental and emotional distress. and sometimes i'm not even sure why i feel like i need to do this, only that i do.

i am looking forward to the day when i won't have to go through this every time it's practice.

4 in the morning

What have we been doing for all this time?

7:55AM

there really is merit in coming in early. the traffic is pretty good and the parking lot isn't crowded.

i just need to get home earlier. maybe i can try a 5pm getaway later. i run out of time in the evenings and i don't get to do my usual leisure stuff. i had to finish all the chores first including making myself dinner.

yesterday i left the office at 5:30pm, was in my home area an hour later, went straight to the gym, 30 minutes of continuous workout (happily, i was able to sustain it like i never had three weeks of rest), then some grocery shopping for food. i got home around 8pm, cleaned up the fresh squid before i could cook it. by the time i was eating dinner i was so tired i almost fell asleep on my squid. to treat myself i drank a lot of sparkling red grape cocktail juice pretending it's wine.

i couldn't make myself do chores immediately so i stretched out on the bed and felt i could stay there for the next couple of days just sleeping. i pushed myself about an hour later, did my chores, took a bath, and then crawled back to bed. i did read a couple of chapters of Trinity Blood (the novelized version, which actually had more sexual references than the anime or manga) so i would not end the day without being able to do non-work/non-chore stuff. i dozed off easily in less than half an hour.

i've taken to leaving myself post-it notes around the place to remind me of things i need to do. i don't like the feeling of loose ends scattered all over.

in the middle of cooking dinner i messaged jacob. just because i wanted to. and i wanted to feel his warm spirit. our exchange kept me awake through the evening, allowing me to get the important things done. we were able to say goodnight before i tucked in with Abel Nightroad.

(from somewrinkles)

event-full day

there's onigiri in the convenience store near our office. S2 is ecstatic. she has just run out again to get a second helping.

remember that new business pitch i was working hard on? well, we won it. :)

i paid the miscellaneous fees for my home loan, have advised my credit agent and now they're starting to fix the papers for the proper turnovers and such. i've also opened the required checking account which i will also use to save up for the last 50% of the home loan so i can pay everything in 5 years instead of 10.

i've checked all my credit cards and all my payments have been credited. i just need to pay the last few amounts i didn't get to count in when i made my payments. then it's ZERO balance when 2009 hits. yay!

i discovered i can transfer cash from my credit card to my checking account via online banking. i had an emergency awhile ago and now it's all solved because of that wonderful feature. no need to rush with cash to the bank. i can just pay my card thru the ATM. i love technology.

i can see my girls are happy and getting along well together. i am happy it is so. :)

i need a plan

a set of plans, actually. or some kind of skeleton routine.

first, i realize that working and doing house chores everyday can be exhausting. last night i got home at 8:30pm and had to wait for dinner to cook, not to mention that i had to do the cooking. i didn't get to go to the grocery because it was late. i didn't get to fix my stuff as i had originally planned because i got sleepy early and i still had to wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, and do a few other chores to keep the place neat. (being small, the place can quickly look messy.)

second, i need to work out a christmas shopping plan.

today i went to work early. left the house at 6:45am and was timing in by 7:30AM. thus i could hope to leave early later and have time to go to the gym. i'm thinking of skipping yoga tonight because i need the gym more to get myself ready for saturday practice. after gym i'll drop by the supermarket -- hence i'm thinking i could just park at the supermarket, walk to the gym, then do some groceries and drive home. hmm, sounds like a good plan already.

now i need to step out and pay my fees for the home loan. itching to tick something off my to-do list.

ruka

from Vampire Knight Guilty, Episode 8

brimming

you know that feeling when you are simply brimming with possibilities? and every thing looks fresh and bursting with potential.

my hands are itching to create. my mind is a-whirl with images and words and heart-thoughts. my heart is aching with fevered hope.

you know that beautiful delicious moment when you are about to fall in love? when you know that there is no other step to take but that heart-leap. when it will not matter whether you keep your eyes closed or wide open.

aishiteru

last night i dreamt that jacob said 'aishiteru'. twice. and there was all this noise and i wasn't sure if i heard him right, although i knew i heard him right. but it was so noisy and he was a bit shy about saying it and i knew he had a bit of time mustering up all that courage to say it out loud.

this morning on the way to work a bus sped by. behind the bus, painted in big, big letters, the exact same words that jacob said. 'aishiteru'.

you bet i got goosebumps.

nemui

today i woke up at around 9AM. fixed my desk area. then my mom messaged asking me to have lunch at home. then brought my cat to the vet. then went to the mall.

i need a proper and strategic plan for shopping. i only have a couple of weekends to complete everything. i don't like the traffic and the rush and the super-scarce parking space.

tonight after i dropped off everyone at the old house i drove myself home. my first time driving home alone.

i'm very sleepy. i'll write more tomorrow.