as i am writing this my vision is blurred. tears are leaking down my face like a damaged dam. i find it difficult to breathe and my head feels like it wants to burst.
how did it start? i woke up. and a jumble of thoughts poured into my head, mostly made up of the many things that happened last night. add to that the customary sheen of the holiday season that adds just a little bit more intensity and color to everything.
i am not entirely sure why i'm crying. i never cry during christmas. i don't even get super-excited over christmas.
it could be the 2008 magic. that suddenly i could actually feel something. me and my defense mechanisms finally breaking down, stripping my soul-skin off, leaving my spirit raw to the onslaught of storms.
i suspect i'm crying because i am happy. and i am happy because of this big deep love nestling within the abandoned regions of my heart. discovered like the child born in the manger. and only a single star pointing the way.
i have always thought i was confused. i even think at some point i confused myself deliberately. because it seems somehow easier that way. like sitting on the fence and being a mere spectator, without the responsibility of taking sides or making choices.
but perhaps my heart was never really confused and it always knew. and maybe this morning it asserted itself.
the tears have subsided now. i think i can safely get myself ready and finish my christmas shopping. *takes very deep breaths*
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