housewarming : fire and flowers

so here's the first of a series of housewarmings i plan to have. it's themed as beltane. also known as may day. celebration of summer and fertility.

it would be challenging to feed ten people a full meal with my limited space. so instead, i will feed everyone dessert and coffee.

the menu will consist of:
- my homemade blueberry cheesecake
- a fondue, with eight different items for dipping
- coffee, teas, fruit juices, iced teas

fondue trivia : Fondue tradition states that if you drop the food off of the fork, and into the pot, you have to kiss the person next to you.

then i'll have the runes and tarot cards on hand, in case anyone feels supernatural.

and supposedly, this is also the time when jacob and i would confirm things......

love love love

i just felt like writing that. love love love.

anyway, i'm seriously contemplating making a dent on my untouched vacation leaves. i'm not sure if i want to travel because i need to save up for when my condo payment shifts to the loan this july. but i do want to spend more time with jacob.

i'm finally pinning down a housewarming date. starting with the group. on the 16th of may. and i'm thinking of beltane as a theme, and serve dessert and drinks after we have dinner after practice. beltane is usually celebrated around the 11th or 15th so the saturday right after those dates should be perfect. i'll need flowers and then candles for the "bonfire". and maybe a miniature maypole. and some gaelic/celtic happy music. hmm... this is all beginning to sould like a good plan.

for dessert i'm thinking my blueberry cheesecake, and fondue. for drinks i'll have tea, coffee, and maybe some interesting fruit juices or iced teas. hmm.. i think i'll need to do some research and also start making a shopping list.

and now maybe i could start nibbling at those VLs. i could take a leave the friday before. and maybe jacob could come over to help out a bit ^__^

this means i have less than two weeks to finish up on my decors and to do a thorough cleaning. ooh. goals with a deadline. just like the usual. hahahaha!

eight hour work days

i came in at almost 10am today because my car is on coding and i had to ride with my dad.

hence i'm going home at 8pm. i am so determined to keep to my eight hour work day routine.

i curled my hair today, and i don't know if i can sustain the habit of an extra half-hour just primping my hair. but the outcome is quite good.

jacob messaged today and it is like a burst of sunshine on this gray rainy day.

i cleared a presentation for the first time with my new boss and i had my little anxiety attack but it all turned out well.

i just wish the meeting tomorrow will be moved back to our office instead of all the way to client's office.

a four-day work week. yay!

it's a holiday on friday. the group might go to Ocean Park or something.

in any case, it's a four-day work week. a most pleasant thought.

i brought my dear friend grumpy some of my blueberry cheesecake. it was his birthday over the weekend. he gave my cheesecake a thumbs up -- yay!

meanwhile, jacob also loved my blueberry cheesecake and even took home some. ^___^

i had lunch with grumpy today and i got some juicy updates on his heart-life and a free lunch. heehee.

i'm making progress on the training modules. am going slow but hopefully, surely.

i have a little project to do, something for presentation on wednesday afternoon. but my boss has expressedly told me not to kill myself over it. hahaha! so i'm doing that along with the modules. and i'm keeping to eight hours of working for the day.

i am currently hooked on the Twilight soundtrack for some reason. it's only now that i seem to be able to appreciate it. i actually played it in the car yesterday, while jacob and i were on our way to the mall. ^__^

i bought new speakers for my home theater, and now it's sounding much much better. i was so tempted to call in sick today so i could do DVD marathons all day. hahahaha!

spring fling

sort of.

in any case it means i didn't practice and instead had myself pampered at the salon.

but this would be the last of it.

next week is going to be the start of super serious practice and gritting my teeth through all the vomity stressful anxiety.

i had the driest parts of my hair chopped off, which meant i have medium length hair now, and layered to force the waves to... well, wave. i look like a modernized version of jennifer aniston in her Friends days.

practice plan and contract with myself

never miss another day of practice unless absolutely, absolutely, necessary.
religiously do at least an hour of treadmill at a minimum of 3 times a week.
practice form at a minimum of 3 times a week.
do yoga at a minimum of 2 times a week.

if i break any of these i should pay a fine.
maybe my sister will be a most willing recipient.

fixing my .mac blog

i'm getting around to setting up my very own .mac blog. i already have the welcome page design:

now it's just a matter of moving and consolidating posts scattered all over the web and across multiple blogs!

food shots

here's what i've been cooking up in the past couple of weeks:

those kinds of dreams again

i dreamt that:

i had to travel with jacob because of his work or something. because he didn't want being away from me, and everytime he would have time, he would come to me and hug and hold me, as if making sure i was still there.

throughout the dream it was just a series of different places and it would be the same.

i kept on waking up during the night (mainly because of the summer heat and partly because i overslept during the day) but everytime i fell back into the sleep the dream just continued with various variations of the same theme.

anyway.

i haven't made up my mind whether to practice today or not. well, i have sort of made up my mind not to. especially last night in the middle of watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona and i was just dying for that long wavy hair cascading over the shoulder. and i wanted a new wardrobe. (for the first time i actually liked penelope cruz - she's a much better actress in spanish and non-hollywood type of movies. scarlett, on the other hand, seems to be beginning to be stereotyped, since i find her character in this movie quite similar to her character in HJNTIY. scarlett seems to always play the role that never quite gets the happy ending. interesting.)

i'm having cramps today and i wish the period would just come.

i would have most likely decided to go to practice today if it wasn't the month-end tournament day. i don't feel ready for the tournament, and i know that i will be made to participate if i was there. i also know i could say i didn't want to but i also didn't want to appear weak by openly refusing to fight. dilemma, huh? i do have issues about being superwoman. i may say i'm tired of it but it still rules me. because i cannot seem to make myself not be a superwoman. and in my practice, i am definitely not in that stage of being particularly noted for my skills and... it galls me a bit. of course i could always put in a daily practice but then... but then.... hmmm.... i think i should. a bit more whipping discipline. treat this thing like a love story. that could be the trick...

i want

pale blue eyeshadow
properly long wavy dark hair
new skirts
new shoes
new tops
purple bruise-colored shimmery lipstick
a manicure
a pedicure
a back massage
new dresses
new bags
a new cologne, preferably that new japanese cherry blossom scent from The Body Shop
new lingerie
to resurrect that poetry-art book
to write more poetry
to weave more dreams
be kick-ass with my practice
jacob

home on a friday

i sort of knew i was going to take a leave today. but i still put off the final decision until this morning.

i slept until noon. and i had this strange hilarious dream where all our friends had a fireworks display to celebrate my engagement to jacob. hahahaha!

i finally got around to making no-bake blueberry cheesecake today. ^__^

and i have a really bad headache.

tougher than it looks

i've started work on the training modules and i'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out how to go about it.

V had a fight with her fiance and tonight she's bringing him fresh pineapples as a peace offering.

i gave an orientation to a bunch of fresh grads and i tried to guess which one of them would fall out first.

i was planning to leave by 4pm but someone forgot to reserve a room for a 2pm meeting so the meeting had to be moved to 4pm. so now i'm still in the office trying to put in a bit more work on the modules while waiting for traffic to ease up. i'm thinking if i want to walk all the way to greenbelt and browse at the bookstores.

poking

i think that's what i did last night. tried to see the stretchiness of what i perceive to be the invisible bubble wall of jacob and me. see if there's anything that could compromise the integrity of what we are. anything that could leak in or leak out, possible pollutants into this fragile fledgling fairy tale. like second-hand smoke, or manggang-hinog-sa-kalburo.

promise

no more super late weekday nights. i promise.

after the second time (first time was last week), i have decided that waking up after only three hours of sleep is too tormenting.

so no matter how tempting, or how capable i may feel the night before of handling an early morning --- well, i won't give in.

so i slept at 2:45am. and the cool night weather did not help getting me up. the deeper i wanted to sink in the blankets.

yesterday was the start of what i intend to be free evenings. no more home work. i just finished a big presentation and earned my keep yesterday (and a new project). so now nothing uber-urgent on my plate. still a lot of stuff to fix but should be manageable within the allotted standard eight hours. *keeps fingers crossed*

i should have called it an early bedtime night.

but then jacob dropped by.

well, it's only our third week, i guess i can be forgiven for being eager to see him again.

visualizing the perfect job

and the day after i start doing so, i come across a little bit of information that somehow made a little click in my head. hmmm....

V and L said i could just be adjusting emotionally. that my work suddenly seems lackluster compared to the delight of spending more time with jacob. they said they sometimes feel the same way, that the weekends are just way too short, and that there is just too much work to do, and that they would love to have more time spent with their partners.

i told L that maybe it's time we seriously plan and prepare for upcoming lifeshifts. my team has never really truly sustained a married girl. the kind of work we do requires much time away physically and also mentally. and by the look of things, within the next 2-3 years, at least half of the team will be married. and then there would be honeymoon leaves and maternity leaves and emergency leaves due to children getting sick or simply because there is a need for more family time. but our work requirements can be quite unforgiving to someone whose priorities would have shifted from work to family and home. i have screened applicants strictly on this criteria, that i will not be left hanging with a project just because little junior had to be rushed to a doctor because of a cold. or that i would have to take up the slack on an out-of-town fieldwork because mommy could not stay away too long because of breasfeeding.

anyway, it's a just a little detail. that little bit of information. but very interesting on how exactly it pops in and what possibilities it triggered in my head.

that good ol' luck

my 2pm meeting has been moved to 4pm. so that means i practically have a day to prepare.

i've taken out Angels & Visitations from my bookshelf. i haven't read a Gaiman book in a while. i suddenly missed his way with words. i could also use a bit of his kind of magic. just to keep the light and shadow happily balanced. and then maybe i'll be better equipped to walk this tightrope at work.

i am visualizing the perfect job. i will write about it soon.

sunday

sleeping in on a sunday is probably one of the most pleasurable things an adult could enjoy. and then layer that with waking up with someone you absolutely adore.

today i am brimming over with happy as i cradled my laptop on a pillow, a mugful of hot coffee in one hand, and jacob's face buried somewhere along my lower back as he slept, with an arm thrown around my waist. a human pillow hugger, that's what i am.

i often catch myself watching him sleep. and then i would feel that surge of happy love and i would smile to myself and try to memorize his face all over again. sometimes when i couldn't help myself i plant a soft kiss on his forehead, or on an unsuspecting cheek.

he continues to surprise me in little ways. always in perfect timing. just when i needed it most.

and i continue to surprise me in big ways.

thirteen days

thirteen days of being un-single. ^__^

let's see. work has been on a peak, albeit not as bad as the time when i had to finish that big, big project for the Girl-Who-Just-Disappeared. i am, however, under a lot of pressure to implement that training school. it was my idea and now i have to make good on it. it's going to be a lot of paperwork and writing and process-fixing and teaching and deadly logistics and schedules.

meanwhile i'm still personally filling in for the day-to-day work of the Girl-Who-Just-Disappeared, plus taking care of a new account that is in developmental mode. i am actually doing a lot of day-to-day, come to think of it. and then layer on top of that all the supervisory and administrative stuff required of my position. and then the re-training of my juniors.

right now i am at home, having worked overtime until the wee hours last night, or rather, this morning. i will be stepping out in a while to do some store checks and then also squeeze in some groceries and picking up the laundry. maybe i could even sneak in a few bits of shopping. i haven't been to a mall properly since... i can't remember!

i have yet to resume my decorating. work got in the way. (and, admittedly, relationship got in the way, hahaha).

now, on being un-single. it has been a beautiful experience. jacob is more than i ever expected. and that's saying a lot considering i have been already pretty pleased and happy with him before we crossed the line.

being with him the past thirteen days was like a crash course. on love, on learning about myself, on relationships, on what really matters when it comes to loving another person. all the old cliches, the classic movie scenes -- i didn't expect to actually be able to comprehend what they're all about. and now i do.

thirteen days of happy. more and more to come. ^___^

supernova

your
kisses
are
as
wicked
as
an
F-16
and
you
f***
like
a
volcano
and
you're
everything
to
me.

~ liz phair

my head is crowded with words begging to be written.

i am brimming over with happy.

my cheeks are beginning to get muscles from all that smiling and laughing.

when it all starts falling into place...

nothing can seem to stop it.

mine. mine. mine.

signs and wayposts

the team is back on track, sort of. the healing and fixing is on-going. i reported to okane-san how i talked to the team and she commended me for how well i handled it. after that we finally got to finalize some details on the little training program i wanted to implement. so that's been fixed and all i need to do is execute. all the balls are in my court now.

yesterday i found all my long-lost mugs.

i've been bringing mugs to the office for the past months and after a few weeks they would disappear. i assumed the cleaning people broke them and did not want to have to admit it. on the other hand i didn't want to make a fuss so i let it go. yesterday they all surfaced. apparently they were being kept in the lower cupboards. they were taken out yesterday for an impromptu birthday treat by someone from the FA department.

things i though i have long lost are found again. hmm.

as i was ending the meeting with okane-san (it's been really exhausting trying to catch her all week), she suddenly asked me about my heart-life. and i told her that just as i finally resolved my team thing, i hope to resolve the heart-thing. and she made me tell the story and then she told me about the five languages of love and that i should understand what i speak and what he speaks because that will help me find a better way of resolution. then she also told me a lot of very good advice and i really appreciate them, especially coming from someone who is so sensible, kind and with years of relationship behind her. i came out of her office with a much much better idea of how i could pull this whole resolution off.

as i was driving home a random thought popped into my head. (i was playing The Secret audiobook in the car) i thought, what if, when i go check the mail tonight, that painting i ordered from etsy would have arrived? i said to myself and the universe, that would be a very clear sign. a sign that it is the right time and that the outcome can only be good.

so from the parking lot i went to the mailbox room on the ground floor. i got my electricity bill. and then the guard at reception approached me and handed me a package.

and the package had the etsy painting i ordered.


"as long as i have you" by theblackapple

finally surfacing for air

i think i've hit rock-bottom. or pretty close to it. in any case i think i am now swimming/ drifting towards the surface. soon i will see the water become more blue than black, sunlight filtering in. and then the breaking through the shimmery surface and breathing in a lungful of air, feeling the hot sun on my cold cold face.

this morning i bumped a man on a bike. he fell because he lost his balance but he was quick to forgive me. even the policeman only gave me a light warning. upon hindsight i think there was not supposed to be a man on a bike along that main road at all...

when i got to the office i realized i felt hungry.

i have begun to eat again. and i have started to remember how to laugh again.

today i also finally did the boss thing and said what needed to be said. after the talk i could hear the light chatter slowly creep back into the girls' cubes. i guess i have not been the only holding my breath all this time. but now i think the lines have been drawn and defined, and expectations have been made clear.

there was also a management meeting this morning and things are looking optimistic. again, parameters have been set, definitions clarified. rules of engagement agreed upon.

i have a pretty good outline for a presentation after holy week. i believe it might open up new business for the team.

i had lunch with the purpledragon and we talked about how our lives would change when we finally commit ourselves.

just when i begin to think there is nothing else left, something shifts as if on cue.