nerimasen deshita

i just had a couple of hours of nap at around 4AM.

i figured this is the least painful way to complete my work and not start a snowball effect next week. i want to keep the next few weeks sane and non-lethal. and that means maybe i just have to die a teeny-weeny bit today.

i've been doing a lot of video watching and editing in preparation for a series of fieldwork. V will be coming to work from a month-long vacation next week and i will need to ease her in with as little stress and pain as possible. i need her to last through the current mini-crisis with minimum drain on her energies (physical, mental and emotional- the works).

on the really sad side, i will most probably not be able to play and practice later. but i want to go out with the group so i will really have to finish everything by 3PM so i can sleep and then get up in time to meet the group.

today could have been my first monthly tournament participation for the year. :( not that i'm super-eager to have a go at it, but it's a nice be-brave decision-making moment.

i'm getting the craving to resume my nihongo lessons.

and i can't wait to see jacob today.

in bed by 830pm!!!! *shock*

the adrenaline rush of the past two days suddenly dissipated last night. and i was fast asleep by 830pm barely out of my fieldwork clothes.

so i did the superwoman-saving-the-day thing again. i have a good feeling i was able to do the job well. but today is when i go through all that i have done and see if anything needs fixing or tweaking.

i'm updated with my Bleach manga reading again, thankfully, and i've started on my Vampire Knight manga which turns out to be better and darker than the anime version. in anime i've started on Ergo Proxy, currently on episode 5. finished 6 volumes of Fruits Basket manga and about three-fourths of the way through the anime. currently watching the 5th OVA of Hellsing and eager to start on season 2 of xxxHolic.

finally figured out a good frequency for playing my iTrip. now i just have to get jacob to fix my car clock.

last night's dinner was makeshift from leftovers. i badly need to go to the supermarket. today as much as possible.

little blessings

part of my dread for today was the fact that clients were supposed to tag along in the fieldwork. the dread is due to the fact that first-day visits are always test-drives. that's when we work out kinks in the methods. it can run smoothly or not. it's the most awkward day, and the longest, and the least seamless. not the best day to have clients watching.

so imagine my joy this morning when i was informed that clients had to be someplace else and could not join the fieldwork.

fieldwork went well though. smoothly. almost seamlessly. a very good and optimistic preamble to the rest of the project. my cold-beaten throat got sorer though from hours of interviewing.

S1 and i checked out the tokidoki limited edition designs in onitsuka and left the store in dismay. the shoes are way too expensive. at Php6-8000. ridiculous.

i ended up satisfying my need to buy some kind of treat by checking out the newly opened Fully Booked. i got the faerie trilogy by Holly Black.

tomorrow's last day of fieldwork for the week. i believe it's all going to go well.

a cold and a cramming

i woke up with a cold.

i was head-clogged the whole day. clogged while cramming for the fieldwork tomorrow.

i'm still at work by the way.

was able to confirm that the rather disastrous turn of events at work was indeed due to what we suspected.

i woke up this morning realizing i was pissed about this whole work thing and having to put out fires and having to save the day. more so when the reason was confirmed. in my book, even the death of a heart is not a valid excuse to just go AWOL.

anyway.

had a good lunch break with the girls and TN who is visiting from beijing.

iLife 09 will be in stores by next week. Fully Booked has finally opened in narnia and Onitsuka will be selling the TokiDoki sneakers starting tomorrow.

jacob messaged at lunchtime and in a matter of minutes the dark clouds in my heart vanished.

i'd rather be with you

for jacob ^_^

when work goes bad...

... my lovelife will go really good.

that is the funny little thought i had when i heard the news this morning that C won't be coming to work today. in fact, she will be on an indefinite emergency leave although my boss said it is more likely that she will be handing in her resignation soon. and this happens two days before the start of a scheduled fieldwork for the firs big project of the year which she is supposed to be handling. so guess who's going to be saving the day.

i suddenly craved for japanese food for comfort.

and an hour later, papa-zen, my very dear friend (whose son is my godson), messaged asking if i'm free for a quick lunch (so we can exchange long overdue christmas gifts) and suggested a japanese restaurant. as if on cue.

the "quick" lunch turned into two hours of catching up and fun conversation. he said i looked happy. i guess i am. (despite the work mini-crisis)

i told my bosses if work is going to take a turn for the worse then it can only mean i will be finding myself in a relationship soon. they totally agree. hahahaha!

i just got home

almost three am on a monday morning. and i am seriously contemplating just working from home tomorrow because i think i will be so dazed from lack of sleep two hours from now.

you know those especially lucid or vivid dreams when what you think about happens? i had a bit of that tonight. or rather, last night. only it wasn't a dream, it was for real. as if my thoughts were cues and the events unfolded accordingly.

but first i have to write about saturday and what happened after i drew the rune that said what is yours will come to you.

i threw up.

i had become so agitated that i threw up. my feelings had become a churning, boiling, swirling storm of wanting to practice and dreading the practice and wanting to practice for the right reason and wanting to do the better thing regarding the Story and not wanting to be so heartsick or impatient or expecting too much.

then i took a deep breath and said aloud: it's a scheme. my wanting to go away for a while. it's dabbling into the how, trying to force the hand of events. it's me running away and hoping it will be rewarded instead. it's me being scared and allowing myself to be a coward.

i made myself dress up for practice. even while i was feeling sick. even if i knew i had not prepared myself inside because i was almost set on just running away for a while.

but that's when i also realized how i wanted to practice even if i was so scared. and that's when i was able to find that boundary line that separates my practice from the Story. and hence i could make decisions distinct of one from the other.

practice was good. i survived the two hours and even surprised myself and my senior opponent when i scored a point after less than a minute of beginning the match.

ulquiorra and toushiro alternately occupied the space beside me after practice. i was warmed more by ulquiorra's move though.

i think and feel that ulquiorra is much braver than toushiro in so many ways. and i think ulquiorra's heart is also bigger and more capable of dealing with abundant emotion.

so we did the saturday routine after practice.

except before we parted ways for the night, toushiro gave me a magazine. he said he was at the supermarket checkout counter and i guess he saw it and thought i could use it. you can imagine me stunned for a few seconds before i said thank you in the most normal voice possible.

meanwhile, ulquiorra casually mentioned about the possibility of maybe having chinese new year dinner at his home the next day (with a few other friends). still, i think it's a bit of a deal to be invited.

so sunday: met up with ururu, ukitake and ulquiorra. but ukitake had to go to work. so it was me and ururu ended up having dinner at ulquiorra's home. then a movie in his home theater, then coffee and some more music tripping. then home. and thus, i just got home.

and i had a great chinese new year eve. who would have thought?

the Rune of Ehwaz

i really could not make a decision on what to do today.

in one last plea i dipped my hand into the runebag and drew Ehwaz, reversed:

Movement that appears to block. Be certain that what you are doing --- or not doing --- is timely. There are no missed opportunities; you have simply to recognize that not all possibilities are open to you. The opportunity at hand may be precisely to avoid action. If you are feeling at a loss, unclear about the need to act, consider what is timely to your nature, and remember: what is yours will come to you.

so i have a bit of a dilemma

as i have been setting my House in order i realized that not only is it the beginning of 2009. soon it will also be the beginning of the new lunar year, and also the beginning of a new life year for me (since my birthday falls in february).

i have taken time off from everything in the past year: my friends, my family, my work, everything except my practice and the crazy story all entwined in it. thus i feel that i have not really given my self a chance to breathe without being hooked up to them all the time. maybe i have even forgotten to breathe by myself. which would be both a bad and a sad thing.

yesterday in the middle of work i was struck by the idea of just not showing up for a couple of weeks. like ripping off the needle and the tubes feeding me with all these craziness. it just bothers me that my practice has to be affected. i thought about going to practice but not being with them afterwards but i know that i would easily crumble when i am already there facing them. my heart would not be able to take the giving up.

on the other hand, i do not exactly have an alternative plan on what to do with my suddenly free saturdays. certainly i do not want to offer myself up for moping and potential depression.

yesterday i was certain that disappearing for a while was the right thing to do. but last night and this morning i was getting cold feet.

V said disappearing is good. disrupt everyone's comfort zone. make everyone pause and wonder.

assuming, of course, that they are not so severely dense.

ugh. i wish i could just go off to a beach or something for a while.

hey i found it again

that calm safe place detached from the stormy regions of my heart.

where i am shielded from rollercoaster intense emotions.

the place of blankness.

suddenly i am struck by inspiration. or is it just the babbling of impatience?

how do i know if something is the right thing to do?

thank you universe

in a surge of grateful emotion i thank the universe for:

• my free, convenient and lucky-numbered parking space
• my free gas allowance that i could not even use up because it is so generous
• the coffee shop near the office that i can go to every time i need a really good cup of brewed coffee
• and the really good pastries and sandwiches offered in the same place
• the warm four-cheese pizza baguette sitting on my desk right now
• the information and data i took the effort to save and keep through all these years and are now crucial to a presentation i am working on
• the hot strong coffee i am sipping now
• the fact that i could just get up and go buy me a coffee and pizza just because i had a craving
• the office that lets me just get up and go
• the gratitude on C's face yesterday when i solved her dilemma
• the message from a friend i had just reconnected with that said "missed you too! so glad i found you!"
• having helped a friend think up a valentine promo for his online business
• the smooth traffic this morning
• the runes that give me very helpful clues
• the lamb adobo waiting for me at home
• mogget waiting for me at home
  

life is good. ^_^

Uruz, Berkana and Thurisaz

i drew three runes this morning. since i have been setting my house in order and lately i've been feeling rather... restless in a numb sort of way... i felt it is time to draw again.

for what has just passed i drew the Rune of Strength Reversed:

Without ears to hear and eyes to see you may fail to take advantage of the moment. The result could well be an opportunity missed or the weakening of your position, a feeling that your own strength is being used against you.

Some will experience minor failures and disappointments. This Rune calls for serious thought about the quality of your relationship to your Self.

But take heart. Consider the constant cycling of death and rebirth. Honour your passage into darkness.

for what is passing now i drew the Rune of Growth Reversed:

Events, or more likely, aspects of character can interfere with the growth of a new life. You may feel dismay at failing to take right action. Yet what is called for here is diligence. Perhaps you are required to cultivate the soil once again, for through correct preparation growth is assured.

Examine what has occurred, your role in it, your needs, the needs of other people. Are you placing your wants before the needs of others? Strip away until you can identify the obstacles to growth in this situation. Then, penetrating gently, imitate the wind.

for what will come to pass i drew the Rune of Gateway:

There is work to be done both inside and outside yourself. This is a Rune of non-action. Here you are presented with a true reflection of what is hidden in yourself or in your situation, what must be exposed and examined before right action can be successfully undertaken.

This Rune strengthens your ability to wait. Now is not a time to make decisions.

Visualize yourself standing before a gateway on a hilltop. Your entire life lies behind you and below. Before you step through the gateway, pause and review the past: the learning and the joys, the victories and sorrows -- everything it took to bring you here. Observe it all, bless it all, release it all. For it is in the very act of releasing that past that you reclaim your power.

Step through the gateway now.

how my errand day went

first of all i was feeling sick. but i made myself go through with the errand day nevertheless. i think i would feel sicker if i was just in bed choked by the cloud of Unfinished Things hovering above me. setting my House in order. that's what the Rune said.

since i wasn't at 100% power mode i was a bit slow in moving along. in the morning i:
- cleaned my bathroom
- re-arranged some shelves
- arranged my DVD movies
- cleaned the kitchen

at lunchtime i picked my mom up and she went with me to the mall. i:
- brought my shoes for repair
- cancelled my old internet subscription and settled all the bills and surrendered all the equipment (spent more than an hour at the service center because there were a lot of customers and service tended to be long and complex. i myself took half an hour with the customer care person.)
- bought my mom her long overdue iPod charger
- brought my DVD player back to the store for repair
- bought kitchen stuff - secondary dish rack, drawer shallow trays from my utensils, cooling rack for my muffins
- bought storage boxes and DVD sleeves. now i can complete organizing everything.
- chanced upon and bought guest seats!!!! they're black, collapsible and can also be used as storage so i was really pleased

i got home around 8pm and i was exhausted. i finished reading volume 1 of Fruits Basket. will start on volume 2 today.

i badly need a manicure today.

three vivid dreams since the new year. all had jacob.

i think i might have missed out on posting about two previous vivid dreams. well now there's a third and i think it's about time i wrote about them. i have been meaning to but then my waking life has had that dream-like quality as well so i guess i can be forgiven for momentarily neglecting my dreaming life. (forgive me morpheus)

the first dream was during the first week of the year.

i was in walking in our old neighborhood and it was night. i didn't know where i was going except that i knew i was going somewhere. as i walked along the nearly empty street i suddenly found myself with a companion. at first it was a stranger and then i thought how could this stranger be my boyfriend (because somehow he was supposed to be my boyfriend) and then i closed my eyes and when i opened them it was jacob. i then felt happy and proceeded to link my arm with his and we walked along peacefully. dream shift. night was falling and the monsters (as in, monsters from games like Resident Evil and the like) were beginning to come out. people panicked and ran out of the room where i was. jacob was with me. but jacob and i decided to fight the monsters. since we were both gamers we had a good strategy and we set up the unfamiliar room for defense and fighting. i gathered up as much objects i could that could be used as weapons. then we fought with the monsters. one female zombie got close enough to stab jacob in the back but i shouted a warning and jacob was able to kill her and only sustained a minor injury. we fought until the morning sun peeked through the windows and the monsters seemed to melt away like smoke with the coming of the new day. i woke up.

the second dream was sometime during the second week of the year.

i was a psychologically disturbed person. more accurately, i dreamed i was trapped in a version of myself that had psychological problems. i was extremely anti-social, extremely angry, extremely unhappy. people avoided me. no one wanted to talk to me. i went through the dream partly trying to break out of my condition and partly pushing and scaring everyone away. then at some point jacob came into the picture and he befriended me. and then he was suddenly the only person i could be with. he calmed me and made it his responsibility to take care of me. people were surprised and could not fathom why. i remember feeling the calmness seeping through me like a soft wave washing over me.

and the third time was last night.

there was a huge storm. for some reason i was in my parents' house. and for some reason the sea could be seen if i looked out of my old room's windows. people were evacuating because the sea was threatening to churn up a tsunami. but the people in our house were not ready nor were they panicking enough. i saw the first big wave gather speed. my dad went out of the house to get the car which was, for some reason, parked farther about two streets away. i worried about my dad because if the waves hit, he and the car would be taken away. i told him to hurry. the first wave struck but the water only reached ankle high by the time it got to our place. i yelled "stop!" with all the power i could muster, literally willing the wave to stop.

and it did, it literally paused in front of me. i looked towards the sea and thought i could stop the whole storm. i thought i could go out there right by the edge and stop it.

a second wave started to build up, and then it crashed. as it thundered towards us i shouted "stop!" only it ended up in japanese ("yame!"). the wave hesitated for a brief moment, and then it washed over the whole front of the house. my dad wasn't back yet and i was really worried.

a third wave started to build up and from the same direction i saw a familiar car running towards the house and it stopped right in front of me. it was jacob. i ran to him and asked what he was doing and he said he came to get me and my family. he said he had enough room in his car to take all of us and take us somewhere safe. for a while i was just staring at him trying to digest what he said and what he did. then i started calling out to my sister and my mom and i told jacob we had to find my dad. he seemed so calm that i started to calm down. in fact i started feeling happy that he was there. and i kept on thinking over and over how he always saved the day. and then i woke up.

i purchased the poppies

i ordered it in black. it comes in a set of fifteen poppies. i'm thinking of "planting" on different walls.


for my bedroom i'm thinking of this to match with the swirliness of the poppies. i also think it looks more fairy-tale-ish and has happier energies than the cherry blossom tree. i will order this in black too. but first i have to measure my wall.

i realize i skipped some stories

i haven't posted about what happened last saturday. nor have i really expounded on the consequent little events as triggered by what happened last saturday.

well, it's a bit tricky since part of the play happened in the minds of everyone present. there were a lot of smart and witty words exchanged and thrown about but no one dared call a spade a spade. only rangiku slipped out a bit to say that the spade looked like a spade.

in any case, i will probably reserve all the details for my other journal (the offline one).

but basically, it looks like everyone else is catching on.

and, for better or for worse, even edward and jacob seem to be catching on.

there was a rune reading and it was like giving the universe a free ticket to play its strategically schemed cosmic jokes.

and being bella was never this crazy.

errand day

that will be tomorrow. i have planned to take a leave and finish off a good bulk of errands before proceeding with the rest of my life. besides, the rune did say to "set my house in order". so i will.

now let's see how we can fit the following in a single day:
- bring my DVD player for repairs
- get a cellophane hair treatment
- cancel my old internet subscription
- go to the supermarket
- buy my foyer stuff (table, organizer, wall decors)
- buy everything else still missing in the kitchen (secondary dish rack, trays for my utensils, extra placemats, trivet, drying rack)
- buy my wash area stuff (storage and organizers)
- buy more storage (one more CD box, remote control basket)
- buy my mom's iPod charger
- buy the last few super belated xmas gifts
- bring my shoes for repair
- move money into my checking account
- buy a few pieces of clothing and maybe a couple of pairs of shoes to beef up my dwindling wardrobe
- go to the gym (maybe best if i do this in the morning)

tonight i will have a headstart and do:
- organizing my DVDs (and getting rid of the bulky disc albums)
- clean up and fix the contents of my car
- clean the bathroom (was supposed to do it last night but i fell asleep too soon)
- write and print that letter for my loan
- steam some of my clothes (instead of ironing, i steam)

whew. :-D

i love seeing your name in my inbox

-- is one of the things that bubbled in my head as i was staring blankly on my screen trying to figure out how to begin an outline for a Very Important Client Presentation.

and before anyone of you start assuming let me say that both edward's and jacob's names are in my inbox. yes both of them messaged me today.

my heart did more skips when i received jacob's though. ^_^ and his email had lemons.

on the other hand, edward's had this apology for picking on me last weekend. and it also said things that made S1 get swoony giggly for a bit.

it's just a bit more difficult for me to really let my guard down with edward because i have trained myself to be defensive against him. he has dropped me once. he could do it again when he gets cold feet again. (no, i really could not get over that night when he leaned away from me as if i was a repelling magnet with a highly contagious disease.)

anyway, i have to go back to work now.

the gmail ninja

i actually started to use more of my gmail when they came up with cool templates. my favorite is the ninja template and i couldn't help but go awwww at pictures like these:

shiny happy people

blast from the past (circa 2000)

i remember going to athens, georgia. and finding michael stipe's old home. and leaving a handbound book of heart-written poems for him. yeah. i used to be crazy like that. (i think i still am, somehow).

now S2 sent me this link with photos like these:

that's dear michael with his photographer boyfriend.

there are more cool pics here.

alright, creepy detail

i was re-reading my Rune meanings when i noticed the introductory poem at the top of the page (each rune usually has an introductory poem that tries to encapsulate the message of the rune in a symbolic and metaphorical way).

and here's mine:

Red berries
gathered from the labyrinth
will sustain you.

get it?

labyrinth.

there must be a movie there somewhere that approximates this

maybe when New Moon comes out. but i'm sure there is already an existing movie that approximates this crazy crazy emotional state i am in. how can i be so moved by two people, in totally different ways, and yet in almost equal weight and impact.

really, it's ridiculous.

and it would not have to be so ridiculous if i got some actual help from the people involved.

but then the Rune counseled patience. no acting needy, no lusting after a desired outcome. a delay may prove beneficial. a time of waiting, for a spring to fill up with water, for fruit to ripen on the bough.

and then it also says, "more than we are doers, we are deciders. once the decision is clear, the doing becomes effortless, for then the universe supports and empowers our actions."

ironically, any deciding i have to do needs the proper trigger from certain characters. *sigh*

the last words of the Rune are : So set your house in order, tend to business, be clear, and wait on the Will of Heaven.

*sigh, sigh,sigh*

the repository of unfinished things

that is my iPod. my iPod touch, to be exact, which has become my favorite PDA.

it has long lists of to-do, to-buy, to-complete, to-whatever. things suspended in the future tense. evidence of my procrastination.

but i am chipping away at those lists now. today i:

- bought CD sleeves so i can finally organize my movie collection (and take that task off the list)
- bought various sizes of 3M hooks for fixing up the little details of my home yet un-fixed
- bought 3M heavy-duty mounting tape - i am a big fan of 3M especially after i watched their feature video on the Martha Stewart website
- bought my iMac a USB hub (after months of planning to do so)
- bought bread (after going without for almost a week)

i'm taking a leave on wednesday and will make it my errand day. my weekends are just too busy and i don't think i can bear sacrificing my jacob time to do errands.

yesterday i did a super-dooper cleaning up of my place : polished the floors, re-arranged my kitchen cabinets (since i'm acquiring more cooking and baking stuff i need to maximize my spaces while maintaining efficient movement during cooking and baking), re-arranged the storage part of my little walk-in closet (put away stuff into proper boxes), fixed my walk-in closet, changed the curtains, cleaned and polished all the furniture. i was pretty tired at the end of the evening. but seeing everything so clean felt good.

jacob messaged yesterday. i did my best not to be poke-y. i let him be at his own pace. no striving after outcomes and no acting needy are what the rune said.

i am seriously considering black vinyl wall decals for my plain white walls. i have a few good designs marked as favorites at etsy.com. hmm.

no more procrastinating!

my 4pm has been cancelled and rescheduled to friday at a friendlier time (1:30pm).

so i don't have to bring the car to the meeting this morning. i was originally planning to park the car there until the end of my second meeting so it will be easier to go home.

in any case, the cancellation of the second meeting means more time for me to do errands! yay!

i've finally made a move on having my iMac (Morningstar) upgraded. he's still on 512MB memory and i want to max him up. i was originally planning to take him to a PowerMac center but... i realized i have a more convenient option -- order thru the office supplier (maybe even get it cheaper) and have our ever dependable IT people install it for me. i've emailed our IT head if it wouldn't be too much trouble. ^_^

after my morning meeting i will pass by the mall and check:
- Cook's Exchange
- the supermarket
- PowerMac for iLife 09

back in the office i will step out and:
- check out Gourdo's
- buy CD sleeves
- buy a USB hub
- check that gym near the office
- find gifts for 3 sets of people i haven't gotten gifts for (maybe Gourdo's will give me ideas)

tomorrow i'll see if i can sneak out early from work and go to Mega and Podium to cancel my PLDT subscription, bring my shoes and DVD player for repairs.

calm before the storm?

the days have been slow and easy at work. my team, including myself, comes in early in the morning, and leaves promptly at 530PM unless the car is on coding. most of the day is spent chatting, shopping online, watching dvds or getting lost in narnia. there are meetings but they are nicely spaced apart and quick to resolve.

however, there are also three projects poised to run by third week. one of them nationwide. and i have decided to implement a new method so i will be overseeing two of the projects to check on how the methods work. we'll be busy again soon enough but i have ensured that the timetables will not kill anyone.

getting the new iLife and iWork should also add thrill to working on the projects. T will get a multiple license pack for iWork and i'll buy two from her -one for Luci and one for Morningstar.

hmm... if iLife is out i can drop by PowerMac at PowerPlant later and grab a copy for Morningstar.

yesterday i was home by 6pm. i cooked dinner and marinated future dinners. i got to eat dinner by 730 (baked scallops, the last few chili lumpia, and hot and sour beef on rice noodles). i was planning to bake the peanut butter brownies but i got all sleepy again. i was actually in bed by 9PM! i hard-boiled some eggs for making into egg mayo later on.

got up at 5AM although the alarm was set for 3:30AM. i got a full eight hours of sleep. but 5AM meant ample time for me - coffee, internet, wash last night's dishes, clean up the rest of the kitchen, bath, prepare for work. but i think it would have been much much better if i made myself get up at 4AM at least.

yesterday i messaged jacob because i just had to tell him i hoarded on my favorite japanese instant coffee.

today i have two meetings, one at 10AM and another at 4PM. after this entry i will plot my day and make it productive and un-procrastinating.

good news: our friend adam will be discharged from the hospital today. ^_^

sad news: my boss is leaving. he will only be with us until march. :( but i understand perfectly his reasons for choosing to leave. i am happy for him. :)

i owe a long post. it's still in draft stage but should be posted within the day.

it's 5:37 am and i am up. i won't have to leave for the office until 8am. my dad's driving me and my sis because my car is on coding. i would have preferred to drive myself at 6am but last night's yoga knocked me out. i was practically crawling into bed by 9:30pm, unable to hold on to consciousness. so i got up at 4am and started doing chores that should've been done last night: washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, changed the bedsheets, swept the floor, you get the drill. on the other hand i was also able to have a leisurely breakfast.

i had a bit of cry after finding out that our friend adam is going to be okay, he was taken to the hospital yesterday with much pain in his throat and he seemed to be drowning in his own fluids. diagnosis said he had some kind of tonsillitis. he will never smoke again. he is now on demerol and antibiotics and should be able to eat food again by tomorrow. he and his wife sexynomad will go through a major lifestyle change when they get back home. a cosmic year, indeed.

last night i was the only one in attendance for the yoga class so i had the good fortune of enjoying a one-on-one class. i got pointers on certain stretches i could do before and after my sword practice to counter the yang with the yoga's yin. then i had a good talk with my teacher (who was also my former boss, whom i respected and admired so much) and we got talking about 2008's ruffling the status quo and 2009 bringing resolutions and fruition. she said that she's going to send me an article about 2009 being a cosmic year. we both got goosebumps as we shared each other's take on what's happening at the level of the soul and the world consciousness. yes we seem to sound esoteric but the whole point is, there is a higher order and a higher power. and being attuned to it will help make our lives fulfill their potential.

in many ways i am indeed coming to a resolution about my bella-esque story. and every little chapter takes me farther and deeper into the path that leads to jacob. (i've been on an email exchange with edward for the past couple of days about next saturday's batch party and more and more i realize i won't be able to take him in daily doses.) (jacob didn't message yesterday but i didn't feel worried or needy. just sure that he'll be popping in again soon, in serendipitous timing as usual.)

i watched the most recent episodes of samantha who? yesterday and sam's mom said something that struck me. something like "just because he's perfect on paper doesn't mean he's perfect for you." and on that note, i end this post.

first practice for the year, season-opener episode

as usual i was terrified and to the brink of throwing up. but it was a big help that i had gone to the gym the night before and made myself almost purple on the cardio machines. it prepped me up a bit.

so i picked up my sis and we went to the dojo (navigating that steep and twisty incline into the parking lot no longer terrifies me, at least. i almost ran over the guard the first time i attempted it.)

both edward and jacob were there. and the gravity of what ukitake told me over the holiday break sank in just a little bit deeper at that moment. it certainly changed my feelings and perspectives as i walked in and saw them. edward was at the sign-in desk and he had the initiative to greet first, saying happy new year, as i was studiously delaying having to talk with either of them until i have sufficiently composed myself.

then we went to find our spot in the now-increasing group of advanced students. seeing my tribe gave me that feeling of quiet pleasure. our boys are the sweetest ever. i swear. all smiles and fondness and affection and that super sweet scrambling to accommodate us girls and make our dojo life as comfortable as possible. god i must seem to have a really deprived girlhood hahaha!

i watched jacob expertly inch his way towards me and there was a bit of small talk as i prepared to do my cleaning duties. he seemed very cheerful.

after cleaning i fixed my armor and rested. i noted that edward and jacob were doing their stretches and light practice separately. usually they would be play-sparring. that day they seemed distant.

usually they would approach at the same time, or would join when the other is with me. yesterday there was a clear separate-ness. when the one approached, the other stayed away. could be my imagination. but this story has been going on for months and i guess i could fairly tell when the routines and habits have changed even for a bit.

edward approached. started a conversation. yachiru somehow conveniently easing herself and another classmate farther away so that edward and i were the only ones talking. in what i hoped a subtle manner my eyes scanned for jacob and spotted him across the room. yes, i saw him look.

practice was good. byakuya-sama led the session and he always has the right kind of intensity that beats me within an inch of my capacity but does not kill me. the younger teachers usually send me over to death and i have to resurrect myself one way or another.

usually, old man yama would watch over us girls and assign us to a separate practice group - less intense and more tutorial than the hard-core seniors. he did that during the first half of the session, moving me and the rest of the girls with the new set of advanced students led by jacob. the first session is when we do sets of practice strikes as dictated by byakuya-sama.

the second session is when sparring happens. as we were putting on our armor, old man yama approached rangiku beside me and asked her to join the separate practice group. yachiru opted to join there too. and then old man yama gave me the option to join or to stay. it would only be too easy to opt for the easier practice group (and to spend the session in the same group as jacob who has been assigned to handle it). but as i've said, there have been too much delay and procrastination for my part. so with a slight shiver inside me i said i would stay with the senior batch. he asked me "are you sure? you'll be okay?" and i nodded with as much conviction and confidence as i could muster.

so, yay! i did a brave thing. pushed myself maybe just a little notch higher than the usual. i got to fight with jinta (who was so serious), the big red dog (who showed off stuff he picked up from youtube), chopstix (who was so nice and gave me pointers), an unknown senior (who was good and didn't baby me too much), and a nice long sparring with renji-kun who was smiling most of the time, gave me pointers and with whom i had lots of crashing into (teehee).

after practice edward sat with us. and eventually it was just him and me sitting there talking. i was waiting for the usual casual invite to join the group for the evening but no one seemed to be bringing it up. so i asked if we were doing the usual and that's the only time the idea seemed to have occurred to him. weird.

after he left jacob approached and then it was conversation with jacob. and then jacob asked me if there were plans after so i informed him. weird. why aren't they talking?

of course jacob picked me up. we had dinner. then a movie (the curious case of benjamin button). the group consisted of myself, edward, jacob, ururu, jinta and hanatarou.

by some cosmic twist i ended up sitting between you know whos. and i guess i made my preference clear (if anyone cared anough to wonder) by leaning more towards my right (where jacob sat).

jacob took me home. and he stayed for about an hour trying to fix my dvd player. my xenophobic cat actually approached him, played with him and allowed to be petted by him. it was the strangest thing to watch my cat being that friendly.

it's jacob. still jacob.

tug-of-war

but in the end it was jacob sitting there on my bed trying to fix my troublesome dvd, at 3AM.

i'm sleepy. i'll sleep first. then i'll recount yesterday and last night and this morning.

a small world, and then there's this little planet i stumbled into

i've been browsing through my facebook. looking through friends' profiles. snooping through uploaded photos.

first of all i noted how so many of my co-singletons way back in the late 90s and early 2000s are now either married, pregnant or raising little versions of themselves. even those individuals i never thought would venture into such a life-shift.

second i noted how so many of my friends are connected with all my other friends. either as batchmates, or workmates, or serendipitous connections such as marrying into the other's family. i pore through reunion photos, dinners, parties, celebrations, get-togethers. forever keeping in touch. forever together in some way.

and i remember how, when i was in grade school and well into my high school (and yes maybe even a wee bit into my college) i have always felt to be outside the orbit of these interconnected worlds. like i'm the post-it with the non-sticky glue.

and then now i realize how my life is all tangled up in this little planet i stumbled upon well outside of those worlds i have always floated in all these years of my existence.

well, true it is not entirely devoid of some kind of connection with my current universe but, being in this little planet is like taking a trip to the moon, or a spin into outer space. where the rules i have always played by no longer seem to apply and where the people i have to relate to strip me of words and reason. in this little planet i am a whole new being, broken out of my history and old limitations. it is not an easy place. always i get that itch to escape. and always i get that irresistible gravity pulling me back.

it's a little world that is mine. in a way. beyond everything else, every other world i have walked into. it is the world at the back of an old closet. the alley that opens only with certain words and certain taps on a brick wall. the wonderland. the enchanted village beyond the Wall.

riddled with labyrinths.

still calm, so far

it's saturday morning. thankfully i am still not beset by the usual dread about practice so i am functioning normally now, cleaning up my place.

i try not to think of later and how i am not really sure what makes me nervous the most - the practice or the Story. nah, i think it's the practice. because i feel the Story is strongly hinged on my practice, on how strong my capacity for commitment is.

edward never got in touch in again after that surprisingly personal email. it's just like how he usually does. he gets close and then jumps away a mile. an automatic self-defense, self-preservation mechanism, that makes you think if what has transpired actually happened.

jacob, on the other hand, broke my self-imposed silence. again, just when i least expected it. when i have pretty much almost given up. again he proves me wrong like a wordless "o ye of little faith". only i wonder what he really means by all this, and how much he knows himself and his own heart.

right now i only want to be able to survive today's two-hour session. then i'll move on to having to survive the rest of the night.

three-hour lunch break and wedding talks

i had lunch with the girls. V, who is on leave for the whole of january, joined us. naturally we talked about the wedding plans. however, V said the wedding date has been moved a few days earlier and she made me promise i would go because it now falls on a saturday. and she knows how sacred my saturdays are, hehehe. but i did promise and even if i didn't i still would go. i mean, this is a once-in-a-lifetime event! besides, she said, by that time i will probably be bringing someone along, and she still promises to give me the wedding bouquet instead of tossing it out. of course i rubbed her engagement ring for luck.

we had lunch in Recipes, then a quick trip to Domani where S1 got a new toy. then L needed pretty pencils for gifting, and then S1 needed to check for a speaker cable, and then L needed to buy a bath gel and we all ended up buying mochi. one last sidetrip to the bank then back in the office.

jacob messaged around 2pm, being unusually proactive since wednesday. i must say i am pretty pleased. ^_^

spilled blood

i noticed it just now. i wondered why there was a red drop on my glass table. if i pressed on the little pouch more red drops ooze out. the red drops smelled sweet. i resisted the urge to lick my finger.

my safe blood is no longer safe. i had to detach it from my phone.

if i were to read signs into it i would say that edward is losing points.

first week

it's only the end of the first week of the year and it already feels like the end of a month. i cannot tell if the days have grown longer or time has moved slower.

i'm still getting news of people's lives shifting and changing directions. spillovers from 2008 or simply the culmination of Things triggered in 2008.

one girl i used to work with has "crossed over" as i was told. meaning, she now has a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend.

a very close colleague and friend, on the other hand, has told me about an irresistible job offer and he seems to be going to take it. and he is one of the last people i ever thought would make any such move if only because of how crucial he is to clients now. but he told me the offered package has something that would greatly benefit his family, and i guess no one can argue with that. if it were just the job and the money there would still be a good chance of him staying. but that family perk, well, that's what tips the balance.

today i will leave the office early and hit the gym. i need at least one prework before i hit the dojo tomorrow. already i could feel the tightening in my chest caused by dread.

good morning??!!

i was busy the past two hours, getting my stuff in order and figuring out recipes for lunch.

i didn't hear my phone.

apparently jacob messaged. in the morning. telling me he had a terrible dream last night. (with the usual smiley tongue out emoticon)

so blinking. heehee.

i'm going to share recipes later. after i have my yummy lunch. headache almost all gone.

headache

a headache bloomed early this morning and kept me at home. i think it's a headache one gets due to lack of sleep. my whole head felt heavy and there was pressure all over. whenever i lay down and closed my eyes it started to ease. when i sit up and start moving around it started to throb and intensify.

so i decided to not go to work and sleep it off. i feel much better now.

and guess what, i actually slept through the night last night, and also this morning. i have a suspicious feeling it has a bit to do with jacob finally making contact yesterday. i actually fell asleep while we were still messaging near midnight. it's exactly how i felt when i slept in the car and he was with me and when i was so relaxed and almost nodding off when i was curled up in the sofa in his home theater room. it was that feeling of comfort and contentment and safety.

the headache is still thrumming at a very low volume. but i think i can function well enough. need to clean up the house a bit, work on a week's menu, cook lunch, go to the gym, try to bake a new batch of muffins, clean my practice sword, drop and pick up laundry.

the weather is so glum and gray.

and there's iLife 09!!!!!

I WANTS!!!!

oh, and jacob messaged today.

if this were a staring contest, he's the one who BLINKED.

*grin*

there's iWork 09!

and the changes from iWork 08 will probably be minimal but still, i wants it, heeheehee.

had dinner with my best friend T last night and it turned out she had a 2008 moment -- she is actually reconsidering her canada plans. i knew it! 2008 was a year of triggers and shifts and breaking out of boundaries/molds/ whatever it is that has kept the status quo. 2008 made us question old definitions, old plans -- basically 2008 gave all of us that window of chance to check how we're steering the course of our lives, and a free ticket through the tollways in case we want to change directions. and discounted gasoline.

i got home at 915pm and my cat mogg was particularly vocal, meowing all over the place and when i picked him up he was purring like a small engine, apparently overjoyed that i was home.

i was tired and just swept the floor (mogg had tattered feathers and chewed up hairbands scattered about), washed up and then tucked into bed with a book. i didn't get a full night sleep though as i kept waking up as if waiting for something and my dreams were chopped up in unintelligible pieces.

when i made myself get up at 6am i was seriously tempted to take a day off. i imagined spending two hours leisurely browsing the supermarket aisles as i stocked up on necessities and indulgences, and then spending a good hour at the gym, and then taking a loooong nap.

but i've done a lot of that recently, little escapes and little procrastinations, just because i knew i could. and maybe i shouldn't. in little ways i've been postponing little errands, refusing to be harassed into "musts". maybe i should re-assess and see if maybe this procrastinating is spilling over into the bigger, more important things.

it's like when i procrastinate i could make believe even for a short while that the moment i dread will not come, that it will not happen, and therefore i will not have to deal with it. and there will be no pain, no discomfort.

this is certainly a long way off from my carpe diem days.

coding, claiming space, cleaning up

my car's on coding today, so it has to be in the parking lot before 7am and can only leave after 7pm.

i woke up at 5am, from a dream i cannot remember but which left me with a lingering feeling of hope and optimism.

for a moment i thought about putting off bringing the car on a coding day to next week. i wanted to crawl back into bed and get an extra hour of sleep. but i have been putting off bringing the car on a coding day for many times now.

well, at least last night i was able to firmly stand my ground and ask my sister to have our dad take her to work instead. taking her to work makes me wake up earlier than i would have and takes me longer to get to my office (and uses up more gas). on a coding day i think i could use a little bit less of fuss.

the roads were beautifully empty. i got to the office in less than half an hour. about twenty minutes i think.

when i parked into my slot i was approached by the building guard and was told that i was parking in V's slot. in a very nice and pleasant way i responded by saying i am now claiming my space and i was only lending it to V, who is actually part of my team. for some reason, and it had nothing to do with V, but with the whole idea that it wasn't my space, sort of made me feel slightly bothered. it was no one's fault. and if it was then it was my fault because i have put off driving for a very long time. that parking slot has been mine but has always been used by someone else for the past few years. and now that i have finally started using it, as i should have years ago, my right to it is suddenly put to question. yes, i am slightly bothered.

in any case i have just sent an email to the person in charge of advising the building guards of who is assigned which parking slot. i requested that the parking slot assignment be updated and provided my car details. if i am going to reclaim my slot i might as well officialize it, eh? and besides, i don't think i want to be questioned a second time.

am i putting off something i should not be? is there a claim i should be making? a long overdue thing, that has always been mine.

so i am in the office early and i am writing this blog. in about an hour i'll probably step out and do some banking stuff, then get something to eat. meanwhile i'm fixing my receipts for reimbursement, and maybe i'll go clean that drawer. clear up old energies for the new.

fine.

i can do this. stay still. go on with my life. enjoy the things i love to do. read more books. read more manga. watch more anime and dvds. play more games. write more. nihongo wo benkyo shite. bake more muffins. reinvent more recipes.

keep on loving. but stop setting deadlines and scripts. let. go. the universe takes care of the how.

let the magic work itself.

now take a deep breath and...

...release.

home and off-sked

i planned to go home early. at around 530pm.

then some work came in and i ended up going home at the unholy rush hour of 7pm. getting out of makati took time. mercifully edsa was only slow at certain points but i managed to hit 50-60 at some parts.

i was planning to go to the supermarket before going home but i was too hungry. and it's never a good idea to go supermarket-shopping on an empty stomach.

so i'm home, about to eat leftover chicken from last night. then i'll clean up, watch some DVDs and make a soft plan for tomorrow - squeeze in the chores i should have done today.

i have to learn the Secret.

free food and a new year beso with morpheus

there was a thanksgiving mass in the office this morning and then free breakfast. i ended up sharing a table with my boss (the top boss of everyone, actually) and we all had a good long chat about mostly non-work stuff. then morpheus came in and greeted everyone and spontaneously gave me a new year beso. so i got a good whiff of him (he always smelled so good) when he hugged me, my face momentarily buried in his neck that if i were a vampire i would have probably taken a bite, hahaha!

official announcement from the boss: we got another business win! there are rumours of a happy trip sometime this year...

grumpy came in to my cube later on and informed me that D, a common friend, former officemate and my first-ever crush in the agency when i started working, has gotten married! and we are talking here about someone i never really pictured as the marrying kind, given that he's got that eccentric, johnny-depp-ish sort of personality. and he's married!

here's the big news of the day : V got engaged! she showed us The Ring and told us the very amusing and highly unconventional proposal story. they're getting married this year, 09-09-09, and i have already declared it an unofficial holiday (it's a wednesday) for the team. it will be in tagaytay and she's going to be on leave the whole of january -- originally to finish her thesis but now to attend to wedding preparations.

ooh, all these energies! happy happy!

kaisha ni

perfect parking this morning ^_^ yay!

the office is still sluggish. our floor is so quiet and everyone has that sleepy air about them.

my cubicle is clean and clear. i just probably need to throw out half the stuff in my drawers to complete the picture.

japanese cookbook + leftovers

i think i just invented a new dish.

using a japanese cookbook and leftover ingredients i came up with a good-tasting dish for dinner.

1 cup dashi (i have ajinomoto powder packs of hondashi. i dissolved 1 stick pack in 1 cup of water)
1/4 cup soy sauce (i used kikkoman all-purpose soy sauce)
3 tablespoons mirin (i have a bottle i got from an asian grocery somewhere in greenhills)

about 3/4 cup of sliced leeks (i used all i have from the vegetable bin in the refrigerator)
4 pieces of chicken wings
1 fresh egg, lightly beaten (the original recipe asked for 4 but i'm totally scrounging around here)

i boiled the dashi, soy sauce and mirin. while boiling i put in the chicken and let it boil/simmer for about 4-5 minutes so the chicken will cook.

then i added the leeks and let it simmer for another 2-3 minutes.

then i added the lightly beaten egg, turning off the heat so the egg will cook on the remaining heat instead.

yummy! especially over fresh-cooked gohan!

i ate my dinner while watching Trinity Blood, and getting drunk on sparkling red grape juice.

today is my ex-morpheus's birthday

and today is also the fifth day without messages from jacob. not the kind that makes me go all bella anyway. he messaged once last friday to ask about today about a possible game outing with jushiro but jushiro had a last-minute change in schedule.

i figured out i need at least three days to recover from withdrawal symptoms.

last night i watched volume 25 of Bleach and was consoled. i was also greatly inspired by Ouran High School Host Club (kyouya-sama!). i think a male harem type of anime is so appropriate for me now. hahaha! i should resume Fruits Basket soon.

today i'm going to MOA with the family. will most likely indulge in some shopping.

i sent a birthday greeting to my ex-morpheus. the person i had loved intensely for two years, my first dramatic leap into the void, the one who unlocked my shadow. maybe i will get him a little something today, like a rune drawing or something. make him smile. maybe a little secret celebration of that time when i loved him so much and nothing was impossible and i was so crazy. i kinda miss that crazy. now i'm just too careful not to lose this delicate undefined thing that is sleeping in my hand, waiting for it to awaken, while my arms ache and my fingers lose all feeling.

i have progressed to at least 65% of Breaking Dawn and, goodness it has gone weird! >_> i am so not counting that book as part of the series. if anyone asks, i will only recommend the first three books!

ggrrrrr

when edward whips up a storm, well, let's just say imagine what it's like when a vampire turns on its luring tactics. the potential for devastation can be fatal.

i think that, for 2009, i better brace myself.

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.

bella-ing

i'm trudging through Breaking Dawn. it's not my favorite book in the series but for the sake of at least knowing how it all turned out i'm making myself finish it. but really, meyer should have wrapped everything up at book three.

meanwhile, my own bella story is alive and gearing up for a new season. the trouble with an unclaimed heart is that it tends to be vulnerable and can be distracted given enough reason and perfect timing. while i know i will choose jacob, i am not immune to the charms of edward especially when caught off-guard. for instance, jacob has been quiet the past three days. he messaged this evening to ask about possibly meeting up on sunday with jushiro, but he did not prolong the exchange. when i got home from the mall i have an email waiting from edward, to which i replied in a warmer and friendlier and more playful tone than usual.

songs have been following me around as i was malling, like the universe had too much time in its hands and decided to poke me. repeatedly. "It's Raining Men" followed me through three stores. then there was "Fields of Gold", and good ol' "Bubbly". and that old love song from Wall-E while i was having dinner.

so it's 2009

i was supposed to post a new year entry yesterday but i woke up late, around lunchtime. lunch was instant cup noodles. then i watched Rock Musical Bleach on crunchyroll. then Ouran Host Club on DVD (i'm now on episode 16). then i baked chocolate walnut muffins (from scratch). basically i had a quiet and restful new year's day, with occasional punctuations of sharp longing to see jacob.

right now i'm sipping my morning coffee and thinking how to recap my 2008 and tie it all up with gratitude. let's try...

thank you, dear universe, for a very good 2008.

...for finally having a very good work team, a team that gets along and works in harmony, a team made up of friends not just colleagues, a team that is talented, enthusiastic and crazy

...for all the financial rewards borne of all those years of hard work

...for my sabbatical, for realizing that i do not always have to be superwoman, and that it is okay to let go and let others take care of me instead

...for finally being able to move out, and appreciating how it allowed me and my relationships to grow

...for finally being able to drive, and learning that it doesn't necessarily have to mean i could no longer be taken care of

...for the old friends who have been with me through the thick and thin, they know who they are

...for the new friends who have shown me there is always room in the heart for more

...for surviving through a full year of practice and not giving up, and actually getting a little bit better

...for my bella-esque story, my edward and my jacob, for the lessons and all the shades of love

...for jacob, most especially i thank the year for jacob, who taught me about happiness, who made me smile and laugh and dream; despite the uncertainties and the pains of longing and the very difficult lessons on patience and faith

2008 has been a most wonderful and magical year. it has been a year of revelation, initiation, cultivation.

2009 promises to be even better. a year of fruition and fulfillment. of happily ever afters.