jacob did not message all week. but i was very busy with work and had to be out of town for most of the time and i did have fun with V and the project and all that. and while at the back of my head i kept noting each day of silence from jacob i was also making myself not care too much. i was reading Howl's Moving Castle and was falling in love with Howl so it balanced things out.
but wednesday i got a surprise and it made my heart flip and then flop and then forget to beat for a couple of seconds and then started beating again awkwardly like it was only beginning to learn how. quite inconvenient and uncomfortable especially when it happens in the middle of fieldwork, while i was delicately probing into the hard daily life of a mom living way below the poverty line and lamenting about her philandering husband.
edward messaged out of the blue. wishing me good luck on what he thought was a big presentation i had to do out of town. i was surprised (and superbly distracted) because, obviously, totally unexpected. i mean, why? why bother? why do it? especially after that HJNTIY movie with all its feeding of hints and cues on how modern fairy tales happen. i would, and i did, assume he would never do anything that might be construed as a "making it happen" kind of thing. i mean, even as friends he doesn't do this kind of thing. why? why? why? gggrrrrrrr.
and worse, when i responded he responded back, all friendly and nice and not being his usual abrupt functional rational self.
the whole point is, the whole thing was not "usual". why remember me and my presentation in the middle of the week? why bother?
and it doesn't help that jacob has been absent.
and it doesn't help that edward seems to always try to tease me about jacob as if trying to fish and push at the same time.
can i just find a moving castle and my own Howl? this twilight story is getting to be exhausting.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
signs
let me indulge a bit.
last night i turned on the TV for background noise while i packed since i've already left mogg with my parents.
i randomly picked a lively sounding channel and i ended up with an episode of High School Musical and... the setting for the episode just happened to be in india.
and by the way, ururu will be leaving end of the week for india for a month-long training.
wala lang. i guess i'm just too keenly aware if anything remotely relating to the indian astrologers' readings pops up. i like his predictions. he said i will be happily married. ^__^
last night i turned on the TV for background noise while i packed since i've already left mogg with my parents.
i randomly picked a lively sounding channel and i ended up with an episode of High School Musical and... the setting for the episode just happened to be in india.
and by the way, ururu will be leaving end of the week for india for a month-long training.
wala lang. i guess i'm just too keenly aware if anything remotely relating to the indian astrologers' readings pops up. i like his predictions. he said i will be happily married. ^__^
Monday, February 23, 2009
on hindsight, maybe i should have fork-fed him
last saturday, after the movie, we all went for coffee.
as to be expected, the movie was discussed and edward said he thought alex gave in too quickly to which i argued that i think the story flow was just right.
anyway as the night slipped into the wee hours of the morning both edward and jacob would take turns trying to annoy me. and at some point i threatened to poke them with my fork. to which jacob said, "oh i thought you were going to feed me that sandwich." and to which edward reacted, "oh, that would be interesting, why don't you do it and i'll take a photo."
i didn't, of course. because i didn't want to play into their tricks. but on hindsight maybe i should have. just to see how the story will twist from there.
jacob threatened to poke my bruises a lot of times (practice had my right arm battered badly). and then edward said at some point : "you know why he's so mean to you?" with that naughty gleam in his eyes, "you remember what the movie said about why guys are mean to you?"
i kicked him under the table.
when jacob dropped me off i didn't get out of the car immediately. somehow he picked that moment to start off another conversation topic. typical. usual. (and i'm being gigi, as usual, reading tons into the simplest of details.)
sunday afternoon jacob messaged something about an anime he knows i watch. wasn't really expecting him to message at all, although i was hoping. and he did. and there was actually not much reason for him to message. i mean, the only purpose it achieved was to establish a connection for that day. which of course made me happy.
when we were at the movie house jacob kept on talking to me throughout the movie. asking about my schedule for the week, asking after the home theater he fixed, asking about minor details in the movie.
and when ururu and i offered up our little candy tins, jacob picked from mine.
jacob has been using my cat mogg to strike up conversation trails lately, among other things.
as to be expected, the movie was discussed and edward said he thought alex gave in too quickly to which i argued that i think the story flow was just right.
anyway as the night slipped into the wee hours of the morning both edward and jacob would take turns trying to annoy me. and at some point i threatened to poke them with my fork. to which jacob said, "oh i thought you were going to feed me that sandwich." and to which edward reacted, "oh, that would be interesting, why don't you do it and i'll take a photo."
i didn't, of course. because i didn't want to play into their tricks. but on hindsight maybe i should have. just to see how the story will twist from there.
jacob threatened to poke my bruises a lot of times (practice had my right arm battered badly). and then edward said at some point : "you know why he's so mean to you?" with that naughty gleam in his eyes, "you remember what the movie said about why guys are mean to you?"
i kicked him under the table.
when jacob dropped me off i didn't get out of the car immediately. somehow he picked that moment to start off another conversation topic. typical. usual. (and i'm being gigi, as usual, reading tons into the simplest of details.)
sunday afternoon jacob messaged something about an anime he knows i watch. wasn't really expecting him to message at all, although i was hoping. and he did. and there was actually not much reason for him to message. i mean, the only purpose it achieved was to establish a connection for that day. which of course made me happy.
when we were at the movie house jacob kept on talking to me throughout the movie. asking about my schedule for the week, asking after the home theater he fixed, asking about minor details in the movie.
and when ururu and i offered up our little candy tins, jacob picked from mine.
jacob has been using my cat mogg to strike up conversation trails lately, among other things.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
and so we're down to one. and the Story now spins on.
i am so totally over edward. i mean, seriously. like even if he asks me out now or tomorrow or next week or next month. there's a very very strong likelihood i will simply say no. unless i decide to do it gigi way and just keep on going out regardless. but the thing is, edward and me --- potentially disastrous. he can be a really good friend though.
last night, especially after the movie, was the final shoe to drop, so to speak. i cannot be with a person who is so drained of romance and hope and empathy and brimming with cynicism and just so... calcified with whatever it was that made him that way.
here's a funny exchange (approximated from memory), as he watched me slice my sandwich with much more force than usual.
edward: stop pretending that's my heart.
bella: i'm not pretending it's your heart. you don't have one.
edward: ah yes, thank you for reminding me.
bella: you don't have a heart. it has been crushed. crushed so badly it's all gone.
on the other hand, jacob is the one who makes me go gigi.
and i wish i'm his exception.
last night, especially after the movie, was the final shoe to drop, so to speak. i cannot be with a person who is so drained of romance and hope and empathy and brimming with cynicism and just so... calcified with whatever it was that made him that way.
here's a funny exchange (approximated from memory), as he watched me slice my sandwich with much more force than usual.
edward: stop pretending that's my heart.
bella: i'm not pretending it's your heart. you don't have one.
edward: ah yes, thank you for reminding me.
bella: you don't have a heart. it has been crushed. crushed so badly it's all gone.
on the other hand, jacob is the one who makes me go gigi.
and i wish i'm his exception.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
alright this is almost hilarious
i'm at home. just came from practice. now freshly bathed. waiting for the text message so i'll know who will pick me up. it will either be jacob or ururu.
had a very good practice even though i thought i would die. i had my first sparring with a sensei. and i got two "goods" i think ^__^ and at least three of the seniors i sparred with also gave me nods of approval whenever i get a hit. and one of my batchmates said i was fast - yay! i guess i am improving despite the odds. ^____^
jacob hovered as usual. like a moth drawn to the fire.
edward didn't speak to anyone until the end of the practice. he said he told himself he'd just focus on the practice from the beginning until the end of the session.
and then edward suggested we watch He's Just Not That Into You tonight.
he said he remembers how i reacted to the trailers and thought i might enjoy watching it. heehee. how thoughtful. and how could he even notice and remember that all this time. hahaha!
thing is, the movie so perfectly portray relationships that there could be funny awkward recognitions. on the other hand, these guys are masters of being dense so maybe not. hahaha! as i said, totally clueless.
had a very good practice even though i thought i would die. i had my first sparring with a sensei. and i got two "goods" i think ^__^ and at least three of the seniors i sparred with also gave me nods of approval whenever i get a hit. and one of my batchmates said i was fast - yay! i guess i am improving despite the odds. ^____^
jacob hovered as usual. like a moth drawn to the fire.
edward didn't speak to anyone until the end of the practice. he said he told himself he'd just focus on the practice from the beginning until the end of the session.
and then edward suggested we watch He's Just Not That Into You tonight.
he said he remembers how i reacted to the trailers and thought i might enjoy watching it. heehee. how thoughtful. and how could he even notice and remember that all this time. hahaha!
thing is, the movie so perfectly portray relationships that there could be funny awkward recognitions. on the other hand, these guys are masters of being dense so maybe not. hahaha! as i said, totally clueless.
happy streak
V has been teasing me about how much effect someone's hug had on me. hahahaha! since thursday i've been on a happy streak. i have finally thrown off that dark cloud that had been hovering since my birthday.
so let me recap: thursday was the big presentation day. i was the only one from the agency to present. it was a seriously super important workshop and my presentation was supposed to be the one that sets the rest of the presentations. i did pretty well, and had my clients beaming at the end of it. and of course, the hug that suffused me with much warmth and happy energies. the hug repeated at various points of the day, multiplying the happy energies bubbling inside of me. i think the downside of living on your own is you don't get as much hugs. when i was with my parents i could just shuffle over to my sis or my mom and lean against them and say "hug." and i would get my hug. of course, the kind of hug i get from them is different from the spontaneous kind i get from, let's say, happy clients, but a hug is always healthy.
so thursday i got full and extra doses of hugs, and Ch even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she was so happy and proud at the success of my presentation. for my part i gave J a lot of hugs for being a super efficient manager and who took care of making sure my presentation ran smoothly (we had a lot of glitches since we had to work with a PC and powerpoint. ugh.)
when i got back to the office i got a lot of compliments on my dress which upped my happy quotient even more. and i was happy to go home and finally be able to grab some sleep.
friday was interview day for new applicants as well as long talks with V and L, my senior girls. very much inspired, i came up with a plan to grow good team members and to balance the slightly misled work values in today's generation of twenty-something new workers (we're having slight glitches with the current babies that i will need to address as soon as possible). the three of us had a grand time with the interviews and i think our applicants did too. we had five grilled within an inch of their lives. four passed to the next stage and one i passed on to MomT, who's looking for someone in her team and i think the girl has better potential with her since the girl preferred to be more in the office than on field.
i also had a talk with P (my future boss, oh i am soooo happy) and she approved my idea of reviving the training school for my team. i'm going to do a proposal document and submit it to Okane-san. it is all so exciting! i think i'm about to make another important mark at work. *sigh* if it were this easy and smooth in love... hahahahahaha!
so last night i watched He's Just Not That Into You with V and L and we were giggling and laughing all throughout and also teasing each other about scenes that seemed horribly familiar in our too-real lives. my favorite in the movie is the story of Alex and Gigi. i think Alex is soooo Jacob. in two words : totally clueless. hahahahahaha!
so let me recap: thursday was the big presentation day. i was the only one from the agency to present. it was a seriously super important workshop and my presentation was supposed to be the one that sets the rest of the presentations. i did pretty well, and had my clients beaming at the end of it. and of course, the hug that suffused me with much warmth and happy energies. the hug repeated at various points of the day, multiplying the happy energies bubbling inside of me. i think the downside of living on your own is you don't get as much hugs. when i was with my parents i could just shuffle over to my sis or my mom and lean against them and say "hug." and i would get my hug. of course, the kind of hug i get from them is different from the spontaneous kind i get from, let's say, happy clients, but a hug is always healthy.
so thursday i got full and extra doses of hugs, and Ch even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she was so happy and proud at the success of my presentation. for my part i gave J a lot of hugs for being a super efficient manager and who took care of making sure my presentation ran smoothly (we had a lot of glitches since we had to work with a PC and powerpoint. ugh.)
when i got back to the office i got a lot of compliments on my dress which upped my happy quotient even more. and i was happy to go home and finally be able to grab some sleep.
friday was interview day for new applicants as well as long talks with V and L, my senior girls. very much inspired, i came up with a plan to grow good team members and to balance the slightly misled work values in today's generation of twenty-something new workers (we're having slight glitches with the current babies that i will need to address as soon as possible). the three of us had a grand time with the interviews and i think our applicants did too. we had five grilled within an inch of their lives. four passed to the next stage and one i passed on to MomT, who's looking for someone in her team and i think the girl has better potential with her since the girl preferred to be more in the office than on field.
i also had a talk with P (my future boss, oh i am soooo happy) and she approved my idea of reviving the training school for my team. i'm going to do a proposal document and submit it to Okane-san. it is all so exciting! i think i'm about to make another important mark at work. *sigh* if it were this easy and smooth in love... hahahahahaha!
so last night i watched He's Just Not That Into You with V and L and we were giggling and laughing all throughout and also teasing each other about scenes that seemed horribly familiar in our too-real lives. my favorite in the movie is the story of Alex and Gigi. i think Alex is soooo Jacob. in two words : totally clueless. hahahahahaha!
Friday, February 20, 2009
surprise gifts
i have received two surprise birthday gifts this year. one was from L - she gave me a lovely dessert cookbook. it's the first time i think. and then Tts told me she also has a gift for me and will be sending it up.
i normally just get gifts from my family and my best friend (and did i mention i absolutely love T's gift?! - Bleach figurine set and this really cool book for work ^_^)
last night i dreamed about the forbidden one (mostly about him making all these touchy-feely moves). i think i must have really overflowed with happy and delight energies yesterday and last night, hahahaha! but not in a million years. i would never risk that kind of karma. i will probably indulge in some occasional what-if imagination but i will never go for people like him unless he is officially and legally unforbidden. :D
anyway.
it's getting quite old, when people ask me whether jacob has said anything yet. because this whole going-out/ hanging-out thing is just too hazy and happening for too long a period of time to be so undefined. i really wish he will officialize the "courtship" if that's where' he's heading. and if not, well, the thing is, it's too weird if it's not. it's like wrapping yourself up in thick blankets while shivering and then saying no, you're not feeling cold. which then means you're probably sick. in the head, most likely. hahaha. oh well.
i have a full day of interviews today. L and V are helping me out.
oh, and last night, L and V invited me to a movie-watching with them ^_________^ (god, how socially deprived am i???? hahahahahahaha!) we'll probably watch "He's Just Not That Into You". cool. ^_^
i normally just get gifts from my family and my best friend (and did i mention i absolutely love T's gift?! - Bleach figurine set and this really cool book for work ^_^)
last night i dreamed about the forbidden one (mostly about him making all these touchy-feely moves). i think i must have really overflowed with happy and delight energies yesterday and last night, hahahaha! but not in a million years. i would never risk that kind of karma. i will probably indulge in some occasional what-if imagination but i will never go for people like him unless he is officially and legally unforbidden. :D
anyway.
it's getting quite old, when people ask me whether jacob has said anything yet. because this whole going-out/ hanging-out thing is just too hazy and happening for too long a period of time to be so undefined. i really wish he will officialize the "courtship" if that's where' he's heading. and if not, well, the thing is, it's too weird if it's not. it's like wrapping yourself up in thick blankets while shivering and then saying no, you're not feeling cold. which then means you're probably sick. in the head, most likely. hahaha. oh well.
i have a full day of interviews today. L and V are helping me out.
oh, and last night, L and V invited me to a movie-watching with them ^_________^ (god, how socially deprived am i???? hahahahahahaha!) we'll probably watch "He's Just Not That Into You". cool. ^_^
Thursday, February 19, 2009
happy thursday
ureshii!!!!
well, i was dying early this morning, right up until the time i had to step up to the podium and do my twenty-minute presentation. and after that everything was simply delightful.
of course a big chunk of the delight has to do with someone i cannot really seriously think about as an object of affection because that would be tiptoeing along the border that marks the violation of the sixth commandment (or is it more of the ninth or tenth? something to do with coveting what already belongs to others...)
anyway, tonight i am allowed to indulge a bit. if only because a lot of people said i looked really pretty in my dress. and i realize i really do enjoy being appreciated. and that hugs are healthy for you emotionally. and that doing a good job will always give you a high almost comparable to completing two hours of saturday practice.
i am excited about going to sleep tonight because i hardly slept last night. i kept on waking up and when i fell asleep for short period i had dreams where i was repeatedly reciting my presentation spiel. nightmare!
i'm still in the office now but i'm just waiting for traffic to ease up. i'll probably leave around 8pm or so. pop in a nice dvd in my home theater system, tuck in with mogget and have a restful night. ^_^
p.s. (7:50pm)
just had a talk with one of my bosses and received some good news. ^___^
also had a talk with L and V and they told me about some work stuff and i am really happy that they did -- i feel like a proud parent who has brought up good kids. ^____^
well, i was dying early this morning, right up until the time i had to step up to the podium and do my twenty-minute presentation. and after that everything was simply delightful.
of course a big chunk of the delight has to do with someone i cannot really seriously think about as an object of affection because that would be tiptoeing along the border that marks the violation of the sixth commandment (or is it more of the ninth or tenth? something to do with coveting what already belongs to others...)
anyway, tonight i am allowed to indulge a bit. if only because a lot of people said i looked really pretty in my dress. and i realize i really do enjoy being appreciated. and that hugs are healthy for you emotionally. and that doing a good job will always give you a high almost comparable to completing two hours of saturday practice.
i am excited about going to sleep tonight because i hardly slept last night. i kept on waking up and when i fell asleep for short period i had dreams where i was repeatedly reciting my presentation spiel. nightmare!
i'm still in the office now but i'm just waiting for traffic to ease up. i'll probably leave around 8pm or so. pop in a nice dvd in my home theater system, tuck in with mogget and have a restful night. ^_^
p.s. (7:50pm)
just had a talk with one of my bosses and received some good news. ^___^
also had a talk with L and V and they told me about some work stuff and i am really happy that they did -- i feel like a proud parent who has brought up good kids. ^____^
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
wednesday
i got a lot of little things done today. and tomorrow i will do one big thing. i am quite nervous about it and will practice tonight after i take a bath. tomorrow i have to be early, leave at 6AM and be at the venue by 7AM. i will be so happy after my twenty minutes. i am already thinking how to reward myself.
or maybe i'll let the universe do the reward. hmmm.
or maybe i'll let the universe do the reward. hmmm.
blissful sleep
there's nothing i want to do more right now than to sleep. to be tucked warmly in my soft bed and to curl up amidst fluffy pillows. to have the curtains drawn and the room dim. to have within reach a book, a glass of water, an iPod and the TV remote. just in case i need some activity in between dreams.
i was bracing myself for a quiet week. and now jacob's being all attentive again. yesterday he caught me in the middle of supermarket shopping and i brightened up like sunshine.
last sunday he came over to fix my home theater and ended up hanging out until 230AM.
i have this super major presentation tomorrow and i wish i could skip it, fast forward to the next day.
i'm going back to work today after two days of sudden sick leaves. i feel quite guilty about it. about the sudden leaves. i'm entitled to them. but a superwoman does not take sudden sick leaves. especially if she is known to be particular about people suddenly not showing up. not that there was anything major at stake. just a couple of fieldwork sessions, and maybe a couple of quite important meetings. my being gone just required more time from the people left behind, but nothing that demanded long extra work hours. certainly nothing like what i had to take on the past few weeks. anyway.
i really want to sleep some more.
i was bracing myself for a quiet week. and now jacob's being all attentive again. yesterday he caught me in the middle of supermarket shopping and i brightened up like sunshine.
last sunday he came over to fix my home theater and ended up hanging out until 230AM.
i have this super major presentation tomorrow and i wish i could skip it, fast forward to the next day.
i'm going back to work today after two days of sudden sick leaves. i feel quite guilty about it. about the sudden leaves. i'm entitled to them. but a superwoman does not take sudden sick leaves. especially if she is known to be particular about people suddenly not showing up. not that there was anything major at stake. just a couple of fieldwork sessions, and maybe a couple of quite important meetings. my being gone just required more time from the people left behind, but nothing that demanded long extra work hours. certainly nothing like what i had to take on the past few weeks. anyway.
i really want to sleep some more.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i've figured it out
what has been causing all the pain and ache. in my heart. that is maybe translating into actual physical pains that debilitate me.
it's because i made the choice.
and that means i could no longer use edward as an excuse and an escape. i could not run to him to soothe whatever ache i am feeling about jacob. i could not take comfort in having edward too, like a reserve. now it's just jacob and all the good and the bad. like the really stinging pain of jealousies and the hollowness of insecurities.
this is how it is when a choice is made. nothing else will matter. it's just you and your choice.
it's a commitment of the heart, a promise of the spirit.
now it is a test of faith, love, and strength. the dark paths of fairy tales.
i hope i survive it through to the happily ever after.
it's because i made the choice.
and that means i could no longer use edward as an excuse and an escape. i could not run to him to soothe whatever ache i am feeling about jacob. i could not take comfort in having edward too, like a reserve. now it's just jacob and all the good and the bad. like the really stinging pain of jealousies and the hollowness of insecurities.
this is how it is when a choice is made. nothing else will matter. it's just you and your choice.
it's a commitment of the heart, a promise of the spirit.
now it is a test of faith, love, and strength. the dark paths of fairy tales.
i hope i survive it through to the happily ever after.
sick
since yesterday.
i suspect it is some kind of severe exhaustion or fatigue. i looked up some of the symptoms online and i'm not too surprised.
my body and head ache. i am overcome by extreme sleepiness. i cannot sustain long waking hours, much less concentrated activities such as working. i can't even finish a single tv episode because i start getting almost nauseated by having to stare at a screen for a prolonged period of time. my brain would not function well, i could not focus nor put together much coherent thought.
hence i am on an unplanned leave. yesterday and today. today i hope to totally snap out of this.
because i've been sleeping so much i have also been having many dreams. mostly the normal kind where one does normal stuff in weird places or weird ways. it's almost like rebooting. sleep has never been such a blissful escape.
generally i feel unbalanced and i'm trying to regain a balance. i'm just finding it harder to do now than the usual. it seems i could no longer just bribe myself with shopping for stuff.
i think i need to return to my poetry soon. maybe that will help.
i suspect it is some kind of severe exhaustion or fatigue. i looked up some of the symptoms online and i'm not too surprised.
my body and head ache. i am overcome by extreme sleepiness. i cannot sustain long waking hours, much less concentrated activities such as working. i can't even finish a single tv episode because i start getting almost nauseated by having to stare at a screen for a prolonged period of time. my brain would not function well, i could not focus nor put together much coherent thought.
hence i am on an unplanned leave. yesterday and today. today i hope to totally snap out of this.
because i've been sleeping so much i have also been having many dreams. mostly the normal kind where one does normal stuff in weird places or weird ways. it's almost like rebooting. sleep has never been such a blissful escape.
generally i feel unbalanced and i'm trying to regain a balance. i'm just finding it harder to do now than the usual. it seems i could no longer just bribe myself with shopping for stuff.
i think i need to return to my poetry soon. maybe that will help.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
unconditional
three days with V and she has sorted me out. picked at the loose seams of my heart and fixed it right up.
so maybe the end result is a bit more difficult to wear than the one before. but she is right. it is necessary.
it should not matter how the story unfolds. the heart must remain constant.
so maybe the end result is a bit more difficult to wear than the one before. but she is right. it is necessary.
it should not matter how the story unfolds. the heart must remain constant.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
confessions of a shopaholic in cebu
a pair of shoes from promod
a pair of shoes from charles & keith
an origami kit
Howl's Moving Castle, the book
the fifth volume of Basilisk
a shirt that said "I Want More"
a shirt with a cat threatening to eat a mouse
a shirt with a cute smiling japanese girl
a shirt that said "Crazy But Fun"
a Harajuku Lover cologne (Love)
2 big jars of japanese coffee (Maxim and UCC)
boxes of Mochi (for eating and for gifting)
a nice black and white jacket
a chain necklace with a key, some beads and a lace ribbon
a Coke mug for my dad
a puzzle magazine for my dad
chocolates with liqueur for my mom
a little make-up set for my sis
and a hair salon treatment
will post pics when i get home.
a pair of shoes from charles & keith
an origami kit
Howl's Moving Castle, the book
the fifth volume of Basilisk
a shirt that said "I Want More"
a shirt with a cat threatening to eat a mouse
a shirt with a cute smiling japanese girl
a shirt that said "Crazy But Fun"
a Harajuku Lover cologne (Love)
2 big jars of japanese coffee (Maxim and UCC)
boxes of Mochi (for eating and for gifting)
a nice black and white jacket
a chain necklace with a key, some beads and a lace ribbon
a Coke mug for my dad
a puzzle magazine for my dad
chocolates with liqueur for my mom
a little make-up set for my sis
and a hair salon treatment
will post pics when i get home.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
all packed. sort of.
my brain is not all in one place. a part of it is asleep. another part wandering off to think about... twilights and full moons.
anyway.
in case i did forget to pack anything i have at least a day to buy them from the malls. fortunately the hotel where we will be staying is right on top of a mall. and my research showed that there's also a decent salon there so i can go have my haircut before my birthday.
it's a full moon tonight i got a bit loony.
i sent edward a bit of a crazy email. and while i was writing it i felt like i was not wholly myself. as if i've drunk from some enchanted wine in a faerie party i had unwittingly stumbled into. but i had to send it because there was this very certain voice saying i would regret it if i didn't. so i did.
don't worry. it's not a declaration-crazy kind of email. just a little safe-looking friendly-seeming email threaded through with an invisible but tangible intimacy of words and meaning that traced the outline of something we dare not touch nor name for fear of consequences and responsibilities and perhaps of ourselves and our uncertainty of our own courage to be deal with truths.
in response he sent back these beautiful words that got me all tangled up inside and i squirmed in discomfort at the wavering of my spirit. i did not foresee his turns of phrase and they tripped the heart that loved jacob, challenging it.
but then again. they're just words. i believe they will be more dangerous if coupled with deliberate behavior.
meanwhile, i prefer to laugh and to smile and to fall asleep in the sunshine, where jacob just takes my hand, without words, and wraps me in comfort and peace, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
i do not want to think what could happen when the twilight comes. if it does. when it does.
anyway.
in case i did forget to pack anything i have at least a day to buy them from the malls. fortunately the hotel where we will be staying is right on top of a mall. and my research showed that there's also a decent salon there so i can go have my haircut before my birthday.
it's a full moon tonight i got a bit loony.
i sent edward a bit of a crazy email. and while i was writing it i felt like i was not wholly myself. as if i've drunk from some enchanted wine in a faerie party i had unwittingly stumbled into. but i had to send it because there was this very certain voice saying i would regret it if i didn't. so i did.
don't worry. it's not a declaration-crazy kind of email. just a little safe-looking friendly-seeming email threaded through with an invisible but tangible intimacy of words and meaning that traced the outline of something we dare not touch nor name for fear of consequences and responsibilities and perhaps of ourselves and our uncertainty of our own courage to be deal with truths.
in response he sent back these beautiful words that got me all tangled up inside and i squirmed in discomfort at the wavering of my spirit. i did not foresee his turns of phrase and they tripped the heart that loved jacob, challenging it.
but then again. they're just words. i believe they will be more dangerous if coupled with deliberate behavior.
meanwhile, i prefer to laugh and to smile and to fall asleep in the sunshine, where jacob just takes my hand, without words, and wraps me in comfort and peace, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
i do not want to think what could happen when the twilight comes. if it does. when it does.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
another working weekend
a big bowlful of eggy chicken noodle soup for breakfast.surprisingly i am rather calm about this. i mean about working on yet another weekend. i think i must have resigned myself to the fact as of last night. yesterday was impossibly crammed with work. i had a client meeting that went from 9AM to 3PM. then when i got back to the office i had to do what i can to progress the crucial presentation i'm supposed to turn over for clearing by monday -- because by tuesday i will be flying off to cebu for fieldwork. by late evening i was still doing a briefing with S1 for her fieldwork on another project that will start on monday. and last night was also the going-away party for my boss because yesterday was his last day.
on the bright side, my laptop is back and all fixed. the top part had to be replaced and i think our ever efficient IT managed to have the warranty cover it. although the service people said it's going to be the very last time. well, i hope not to spill anything on my macbook anymore (my mug is an arm length's distance now.)
okane-san, one of my bosses, said we should celebrate valentine's on friday, and also my birthday. so there might be a little celebration happening on the 13th. okane-san told me to go to office straight from the airport on friday.
i got home almost 11PM last night. i brought home a lot of work stuff. i'm cracking the presentation but i'm cracking it rather slow because i have this other big project going on in another part of my head. i am also partly pressured by the un-done chores i have at home. i still haven't gone to the supermarket. and i still haven't gotten around to buying my contact lenses.
i thought i would work through the night last night but by 1AM i was exhausted. i crept into bed thinking i would get up at 3AM. i never got up. but i knew that if i crept to bed there was that likelihood. and i knew that no matter how i tried to make it work, i would not be able to satisfactorily finish the presentation and still make it to practice today. there's just too much stuff going on.
i got up at 7AM. had breakfast, took a bath, cleaned up my place a bit. now i'm at work, taking a break with this blog. i don't think i will be practicing later, nor will i be going out with the boys. but i have gotten to that numb tired mode when all i want is to get the work done and done well. i'm also thinking, the universe will take care of the rest. again, the how is in the domain of the universe.
now, on to summarizing local culture for a global audience...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
cramming
again.
on the bright side, i think i finally cracked the presentation i'm supposed to do. cracked it enough to make sense and have something decent to show to the client tomorrow.
i don't know how much sleep i will get tonight, if at all.
V will pray for me to the Lady of Manaoag. not about the work. about something else. V has very powerful prayers. the visit to the Lady is the highlight of her fieldwork trip to Dagupan.
i didn't get to do anything on my to-do list. i worked straight through most of the day. i even bought a sandwich for lunch so i could work while i ate. i'm trying so hard to finish everything so i won't have to work over the weekend. and i want to have enough strength to enjoy my weekend.
i didn't like my clothes today. i just threw on what was most convenient this morning. because i had insomnia last night and i was slightly grumpy at having lost on sleep right after i'd gained some.
a lot of people thought i had a new hairstyle. but it's only because i hadn't bothered to fix it much and it's hanging in unruly long waves. it needs a cut and a style. badly.
and i'm still wearing my glasses. i need to buy my contact lenses tomorrow. i was frumpy today, i guess. but i was also too busy working to care. not a good sign.
i'm at home now. will take a nice hot bath and then work again. make myself some coffee first.
on the bright side, i think i finally cracked the presentation i'm supposed to do. cracked it enough to make sense and have something decent to show to the client tomorrow.
i don't know how much sleep i will get tonight, if at all.
V will pray for me to the Lady of Manaoag. not about the work. about something else. V has very powerful prayers. the visit to the Lady is the highlight of her fieldwork trip to Dagupan.
i didn't get to do anything on my to-do list. i worked straight through most of the day. i even bought a sandwich for lunch so i could work while i ate. i'm trying so hard to finish everything so i won't have to work over the weekend. and i want to have enough strength to enjoy my weekend.
i didn't like my clothes today. i just threw on what was most convenient this morning. because i had insomnia last night and i was slightly grumpy at having lost on sleep right after i'd gained some.
a lot of people thought i had a new hairstyle. but it's only because i hadn't bothered to fix it much and it's hanging in unruly long waves. it needs a cut and a style. badly.
and i'm still wearing my glasses. i need to buy my contact lenses tomorrow. i was frumpy today, i guess. but i was also too busy working to care. not a good sign.
i'm at home now. will take a nice hot bath and then work again. make myself some coffee first.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Rath Roiben Rye
"I'm here because you are kind and lovely and terribly, terribly brave. And because I want to be."
*sigh*
*sigh*
human again
i slept most of the day, egged on by a headache that turns off whenever i press my head against a pillow and close my eyes.
i got up at around half past ten, scrounged around for lunch food and ended up with leftover buffalo wings, leftover bicol express and fried some of my freshly-made chili lumpia.
then i cleaned up the kitchen, swept the floor and spent some time online (made the mistake of peeking at my office email and found a deadline and regretted having checked the email).
after eating lunch i tucked myself into bed with Tithe and started reading. i've gone through fifty pages and so far i am liking it. i missed my good ol' magical worlds. i'm thinking of reading Fables next.
i'm supposed to go to the supermarket today but i feel lazy. especially that i still have some food and water in stock. i just want to be lazy and watch and read stuff.
this morning i told jacob i'm on leave today and we've been messaging since.
i was planning to have a haircut and a hair treatment today but, too lazy.
at least maybe i could get the following done:
- put together the Death Note music CDs for Papa Zen so i can send it off tomorrow
- put together the list of my Hellblazer collection i'm thinking of selling
tomorrow i will:
- call or visit the Nihongo Center and decide whether i am enroling and which schedule i would take. i am really inclining towards the weekday evening schedules.
- send the music CDs to Papa Zen
- pay V for the stuff that my sis bought
- check out that gym near the office (yeah i've been planning this since late last year.)
jacob said a new model for the PS3 has been released. i should check it out. my old PS3 is officially dead and i will really have to buy a new one.
okay, i should get started on that to-do list. ja ne!
i got up at around half past ten, scrounged around for lunch food and ended up with leftover buffalo wings, leftover bicol express and fried some of my freshly-made chili lumpia.
then i cleaned up the kitchen, swept the floor and spent some time online (made the mistake of peeking at my office email and found a deadline and regretted having checked the email).after eating lunch i tucked myself into bed with Tithe and started reading. i've gone through fifty pages and so far i am liking it. i missed my good ol' magical worlds. i'm thinking of reading Fables next.
i'm supposed to go to the supermarket today but i feel lazy. especially that i still have some food and water in stock. i just want to be lazy and watch and read stuff.
this morning i told jacob i'm on leave today and we've been messaging since.
i was planning to have a haircut and a hair treatment today but, too lazy.
at least maybe i could get the following done:
- put together the Death Note music CDs for Papa Zen so i can send it off tomorrow
- put together the list of my Hellblazer collection i'm thinking of selling
tomorrow i will:
- call or visit the Nihongo Center and decide whether i am enroling and which schedule i would take. i am really inclining towards the weekday evening schedules.
- send the music CDs to Papa Zen
- pay V for the stuff that my sis bought
- check out that gym near the office (yeah i've been planning this since late last year.)
jacob said a new model for the PS3 has been released. i should check it out. my old PS3 is officially dead and i will really have to buy a new one.
okay, i should get started on that to-do list. ja ne!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
midweek respite
by late afternoon i finished what needed to be finished to ensure that the fieldwork tomorrow in Dagupan will be as smooth and seamless as it could be. sadly, i was not able to sustain checking off my to-do list and my brain started imitating apple's spinning beachball of death - basically hanging on me and refusing to process anything more than the simplest tasks. certainly no magic whipping up of presentation sheets.
so i did what my brains would allow me to complete and changed my calendars and to-dos for thursday. because tomorrow i will be taking a recovery leave. yay!
the first thing to do is to sleep.
so i did what my brains would allow me to complete and changed my calendars and to-dos for thursday. because tomorrow i will be taking a recovery leave. yay!
the first thing to do is to sleep.
oh! isn't this soooo kawaii!!!!!!!
of course people who know me and jacob would immediately catch the drift ^_^
Monday, February 2, 2009
isogashii getsuyoobi
as of today my team is officially short one person.
i'm still working as i write this and it's past midnight so it's actually already tuesday.
i want to sleep. and read my new books. and watch my anime.
(and spend time with jacob of course.)
i'm still working as i write this and it's past midnight so it's actually already tuesday.
i want to sleep. and read my new books. and watch my anime.
(and spend time with jacob of course.)
taida na nichiyoobi
no work at all yesterday. spilling the coffee seemed to have spilled the last remaining energies i may have had. (i spilled coffee on my laptop, iMac keyboard and desk area late yesterday afternoon. now my Macbook has dead keys.)
T, my best friend, came to visit my new place. i was originally planning to cook her lunch but my overtime work made it impossible for me to shop and cook. so i just ordered delivery instead (apparently one can order for home delivery even via mobile phone. i really do not need a landline phone. that's good to know.)
for the remainder of the day and evening i just rested. i was also feeling particularly tired and sleepy so i napped at intervals, then would read some manga, then surf online a bit, then i watched the latest episodes of Supernatural. i think i was tucked in bed before 10pm.
jacob messaged yesterday ^_^ he always has such perfect timing. just when i needed him and at the same time while i least expect it. and i just love how he comes up with reasons (or non-reasons) to message. ^_^
the Secret said, the How is in the domain of the Universe. the Universe knows only perfect timing.
T, my best friend, came to visit my new place. i was originally planning to cook her lunch but my overtime work made it impossible for me to shop and cook. so i just ordered delivery instead (apparently one can order for home delivery even via mobile phone. i really do not need a landline phone. that's good to know.)
for the remainder of the day and evening i just rested. i was also feeling particularly tired and sleepy so i napped at intervals, then would read some manga, then surf online a bit, then i watched the latest episodes of Supernatural. i think i was tucked in bed before 10pm.
jacob messaged yesterday ^_^ he always has such perfect timing. just when i needed him and at the same time while i least expect it. and i just love how he comes up with reasons (or non-reasons) to message. ^_^
the Secret said, the How is in the domain of the Universe. the Universe knows only perfect timing.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
it's complicated
lack of sleep just really screws up your perception and senses. in my case i become over-sensitive and will tend to magnify everything out of proportion. and yet at the same time also assume a numbing indifference. hence i am not going to dwell too much on the little details of tonight (or rather, last night) except for those on my part that i deliberately did (such as leaning my forehead on jacob's shoulder while we were in the elevator).
ururu will be sent to india for a month for some training at work. yes, india. i've had too many indian connections i am almost drowning in them and yet i still could not decipher what the astrologer meant.
i was too exhausted tonight to play and participate and even to feel. but i finally managed to say "Bella" when the barista asked for my name.
edward is unreadable as ever. i don't know if the idea of an unreadable open book makes sense. but edward would sometimes say things that i am not sure how deliberate he is of. i am particularly wary of seemingly casual comments and remarks referring to his heart status. sometimes it feels like he is trying to reach out or give out a clue but then he'll snap at any hand that tries to respond.
jacob showed me a message from one of the girls from his office. i am not sure why he did because i am pretty certain he does not go around showing my messages to him to his other friends. the first instinctive thought that came to me was that he was, in his own way, possibly (in some convoluted, complex unspoken way) that this girl is nothing special. or i'm just delusional as i sometimes tend to be, overthinking. wait, didn't i say i won't dwell on details because of my magnified senses? okay, i'll stop now.
edward was asking the iPod dice who my werewolf is. and later on he was asking who ichigo is (after seeing that i used Rukia in the high scores in the bubblewrap game). i tried to press him who he thinks it is but he seems to both want and not want to know. he just kept on smiling that mysterious smile of his because he said the dice confirmed his guess.
he asked to message when we got home. he never did that before. (alright, stop dwelling on the details for heaven's sake!)
going to bed now.
ururu will be sent to india for a month for some training at work. yes, india. i've had too many indian connections i am almost drowning in them and yet i still could not decipher what the astrologer meant.
i was too exhausted tonight to play and participate and even to feel. but i finally managed to say "Bella" when the barista asked for my name.
edward is unreadable as ever. i don't know if the idea of an unreadable open book makes sense. but edward would sometimes say things that i am not sure how deliberate he is of. i am particularly wary of seemingly casual comments and remarks referring to his heart status. sometimes it feels like he is trying to reach out or give out a clue but then he'll snap at any hand that tries to respond.
jacob showed me a message from one of the girls from his office. i am not sure why he did because i am pretty certain he does not go around showing my messages to him to his other friends. the first instinctive thought that came to me was that he was, in his own way, possibly (in some convoluted, complex unspoken way) that this girl is nothing special. or i'm just delusional as i sometimes tend to be, overthinking. wait, didn't i say i won't dwell on details because of my magnified senses? okay, i'll stop now.
edward was asking the iPod dice who my werewolf is. and later on he was asking who ichigo is (after seeing that i used Rukia in the high scores in the bubblewrap game). i tried to press him who he thinks it is but he seems to both want and not want to know. he just kept on smiling that mysterious smile of his because he said the dice confirmed his guess.
he asked to message when we got home. he never did that before. (alright, stop dwelling on the details for heaven's sake!)
going to bed now.
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