i've figured it out

what has been causing all the pain and ache. in my heart. that is maybe translating into actual physical pains that debilitate me.

it's because i made the choice.

and that means i could no longer use edward as an excuse and an escape. i could not run to him to soothe whatever ache i am feeling about jacob. i could not take comfort in having edward too, like a reserve. now it's just jacob and all the good and the bad. like the really stinging pain of jealousies and the hollowness of insecurities.

this is how it is when a choice is made. nothing else will matter. it's just you and your choice.

it's a commitment of the heart, a promise of the spirit.

now it is a test of faith, love, and strength. the dark paths of fairy tales.

i hope i survive it through to the happily ever after.