all packed. sort of.

my brain is not all in one place. a part of it is asleep. another part wandering off to think about... twilights and full moons.

anyway.

in case i did forget to pack anything i have at least a day to buy them from the malls. fortunately the hotel where we will be staying is right on top of a mall. and my research showed that there's also a decent salon there so i can go have my haircut before my birthday.

it's a full moon tonight i got a bit loony.

i sent edward a bit of a crazy email. and while i was writing it i felt like i was not wholly myself. as if i've drunk from some enchanted wine in a faerie party i had unwittingly stumbled into. but i had to send it because there was this very certain voice saying i would regret it if i didn't. so i did.

don't worry. it's not a declaration-crazy kind of email. just a little safe-looking friendly-seeming email threaded through with an invisible but tangible intimacy of words and meaning that traced the outline of something we dare not touch nor name for fear of consequences and responsibilities and perhaps of ourselves and our uncertainty of our own courage to be deal with truths.

in response he sent back these beautiful words that got me all tangled up inside and i squirmed in discomfort at the wavering of my spirit. i did not foresee his turns of phrase and they tripped the heart that loved jacob, challenging it.

but then again. they're just words. i believe they will be more dangerous if coupled with deliberate behavior.

meanwhile, i prefer to laugh and to smile and to fall asleep in the sunshine, where jacob just takes my hand, without words, and wraps me in comfort and peace, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

i do not want to think what could happen when the twilight comes. if it does. when it does.