twilight

–noun

1.	the soft, diffused light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, either from daybreak to sunrise or, more commonly, from sunset to nightfall.

2.	the period in the morning or, more commonly, in the evening during which this light prevails.

3.	a terminal period, esp. after full development, success, etc.: the twilight of his life.

4.	a state of uncertainty, vagueness, or gloom.

i have heard it said that people are most prone to sadness or depression at twilight, or that feelings of such are intensified during this time of day.

i would not be surprised to find it true. because there is something about the ending of a day with empty hands and an empty heart. and the knowing that you cannot recapture what has been lost.

today i was busy at work and i made progress on a number of tasks.

my mom messaged me and said that her doctor friend has already recommended that i seek some medical advice regarding my condition : my inability to eat, loss of appetite, insomnia and general down moods. i don't know if i will. i am hoping i can get through this on my own. although the idea of a quick fix sounds tempting. especially if it will mean i could numb this anxious ache inside me.

lovesickmess

this is... rather bad.

this morning i did not even bother making coffee. i went straight to the bath. dressed up. popped a candy and drove to work. lunch was late and consisted of a solo serving of salad that i couldn't finish. no dinner.

i simply can't eat.

and i have this sad feeling in my heart. like a lump of dark rain clouds mumbling and drizzling inside.

i spoke to a few friends and leaping was a supported course of action.

work is becoming hellish again. but i won't let it get the better of me. god, i'm tired of it getting all the limelight.

scaredy cat

i had all the time in the world last night. but i couldn't do it.

somehow, as he always does, he did just enough to make me feel that my apprehensions were groundless.

and then only when i was in bed, trying to sleep, did i remember the things that make me question the status quo in the first place.

and then all the soul-sickness come pouring back in.

but i understand too the value of perfect timing. and last night even if i consciously made myself aware, it did not feel like the time.

but i seriously feel i should start considering to consult medical help for the stress. i haven't eaten properly in days.

i used to be so brave

i say and write that with a sigh.

tonight i was so sane. i spilled over a bit but i kept myself sane. as safely sane as i could.

i almost reached out to edward for help. and i did, actually. only i stopped myself in time and somehow managed to make it seem like one of my mysteries. but i don't really think i fooled him. i held back, however. and i did somehow manage to hug him by way of apology for my difficult behavior. hugging him was also my way of just finally breaking through that impersonal space he wraps about himself. i also wanted to see how i would feel.

but crossing that line with him only made it even more clear to me that i am no longer in love with him. and that falling in love with him again will take maybe a big bump on the head and an amnesia. or some really really supergrand gesture on his part. and maybe not even then. i was so close to spilling my heart out to him about another guy and i think that pretty much defines where things stand. (of course in quite a number of movies, these set-ups usually lead to some other kind of love story twist... oh but this is not about edward. this is about jacob.)

yes, jacob.

i think it's time for a resolution.

something's afoot

or maybe i'm a storm.

i know this is running away. and i know it is short-lived. a very temporary solution.

but for now it will have to do. i know i will have to confront everything soon enough.

i do not even know what it is that i am trying to postpone. all i have are guesses and hopes. and maybe out of habit i am expecting the worst, even when i make myself believe otherwise.

but my stifled nature will not sit still. nor will my heart resume a peaceful rhythm until all the answers are heard.

i cannot sit through days pretending. or maybe pretending is not the word. it is not so much about making believe, but believing. i do not know how much i can stretch my faith, when i have leapt so many times and ended up broken somewhere.

right now i feel safe. a false safety. because i know the moment i see him everything will betray me. my heart. my spirit. my thoughts. even my words and my own actions.

i wish i could be brave again. pull out the arrow. dig for the bullet through wounded flesh. tickle my throat to throw up the poison. i used to be able to do all that. way before i could be totally lost. i could easily turn it into a game. like a puzzle to be solved. a test of courage, a little contest with myself on how long i can hold my hands over a flame.

even my dreams have betrayed me. they keep on showing me things i have said i would stop wishing for. with every decision to say no, my dreams keep on saying yes. it is almost hilarious to wake up exhausted from a dream of a happily ever after.

i am unsure what to do.

i would have leapt long before. i have always fought against the current. and now i am instead swept along with the flood.

i am unsure what to do. even the runes tell me directions that go both ways.

i could use a compass right now. i need to find my true north.

now i write

every time i decide to walk away, something else tells me not to.

every night now i have been visited by dreams where he holds me, stopping me, saying and doing all the fairy tale things.

every morning i wake up almost assured it will be worth all the wait.

every evening i go to sleep certain it will be best to just start peeling away the hope.

i could not quite get back to that numb state where i am safe.

where i could just wrap it all up and push it in a corner and start forgetting, start pretending it has never happened.

we are hanging on a moment. a moment when i was without doubt he would have stepped over the much-scuffed line we've been pacing about.

but now there is only all this silence and i am terrified of breaking anything, especially my own heart.

the universe continues to give me mixed signs. yet adamantly pushes me back whenever i head for the fire exit.

i have asked the question : to leap or not to leap.

i am waiting for answers.

promise

i got this from http://www.apartment34.blogspot.com/

"Love Is Waiting"
by Brooke Fraser

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,

neither should I rush my way into your heart

charms

i got this inspiration from black.white.bliss
i'm thinking i could do something like this on one of my very blank walls. and maybe do it heart-shaped or star-shaped.

a steamy success

i can now make siomai. and pretty good ones too.

my recipe:
ground pork
leeks
carrots
sesame oil
salt
pepper
molo siomai wrapper

15-20 minutes of steaming.

my wedding flats

i did say i will wear flats on my wedding. the better to dance with. and i love having to tiptoe to kiss my groom!

here's something that looks perfect. i caught this from the bride's cafe and from the box it's a louis vuitton. i am not getting a louis vuitton but the design is a very good peg of what i have in mind.

thursday

i got up at 11AM.

when i fell asleep last night it was so deep i did not even dream.

my mom (bless her) sent the house helper over at lunchtime to bring me food and to help me clean up my place (she knew i've been unbelievably busy all week).

so i got the bathroom, the floors, the wash area all scrubbed and cleaned. i had the bedsheets changed. i cleaned and fixed my kitchen cabinets. i cleaned and clutter-cleared my refrigerator.

then at around 4PM i got sleepy so i napped for an hour.

all the time i had the Lifestyle Network on and only turned it off when the fashion shows started up. i only wanted the food and home design shows. now it's Martha on so i'm listening to it as i write this.

i will cook some siomai later. i'm waiting for the ground pork to thaw.

my brain and my body are starting to crash. i had my first presentation pass this afternoon and all i need to do now is clean up. but no major revisions. in fact, there are no revisions except the ones i insist on making myself do.

i have one more full day tomorrow and then it's the big day on wednesday. i will wear my brand new scallop design high heeled light gray maryjanes.

happy thoughts: redecorating, redecorating, redecorating!

i feel so tired. i just had my lunch at 5PM.

...

god, i love jacob. (imagine a sudden overflowing burst of emotion in the hectic midst of a deadline.)

now that that's out of the way, i'll go back to my work and also obsessing about decorating my place.

(i know i haven't written much about him lately. but he's still here. like an uninvited guest crashing in my heart. lost in the island of my stories.)

my house is a mess

hahahahahahaha. it is.

i've been working like crazy for the past few days. and it's torture because i've been itching to redecorate.

today i sneaked out from working and went to the mall and somehow serendipitously found and got exactly what i've been hoping to get.

first of all i got a motorized treadmill. i pooled my gym money for a year and just got myself my very own treadmill. now i can run everyday and not worry about closing hours or even parking.

second i found what i've been imagining and wondering if it existed. basically a cooking protector wall that i could put around my stove and prevent too much oil spatter on my kitchen counter. i found one, for P88 in Japan Home Center.

third, i found my foyer table. the hardest thing i thought i would have to look for. i found one in black wood, with the exact shape and kind of design i was hoping to find. and more, i got it on a 20% discount!

i missed practice yesterday though. edward messaged if i wanted to have dinner with him and ganju but i begged off. (jacob is out of the country, on a tournament and an exam.)

i can't wait to fix my place!!!! the presentation will be done on wednesday and i'm taking two recovery leaves on thursday and friday so... i can't wait!!!!!

sounds like a plan

today is full of meetings i simply have to attend.

but i will strive to be leaving the office by 5PM.

do an overnight marathon until super-late friday. (work from home for best results.)

by saturday morning i should already have a clean draft.

the rest of saturday and the whole of sunday should be free.

resume work early monday morning, be ready for the clearing meeting at 3PM.

there should be minimal revisions to do on tuesday. must go home early on tuesday, preferably around 4PM.

wednesday is the big presentation day. do a bit of overtime to do immediate clean-up post-project.

take my recovery leave on thursday.

take another leave on friday. (a recovery one in case i need to do another marathon on monday or tuesday, but hopefully not.)

^__^

on my wedding day

i will wear flats.

my dress will have sleeves.

i will wear my hair down.

a fairy tale bed

this beautiful bed costs $9,600.00!

i hoarded home design and decor magazines today. and i've been browsing design blogs again. i believe i am in my next phase of "nesting".

the home decorating bug is back

i bought myself the popular domino decorating book yesterday (while i was browsing in a bookstore with jacob)i realize i haven't really gotten around to a housewarming party. my best friend has had her special preview, and jacob has been visiting the place a number of times. but other than them and my parents and sister, i haven't really shown it off.

but then i am not yet done with it. nanao-chan said it never gets really done. but then it should look presentable enough at some point right? and right now i don't think it is.

on the bright side, it is already homey and lived in, so i think it is a good time to revisit the decorating, when things and activities have settled comfortably into the nooks and corners and can be taken into consideration.

first of all i think i want to repaint my furniture. and then i have to get around to putting those poppy decals on the wall.

i think i also want to change my under-bed storage for blankets and curtains.

and finish up my lighting. i think i want to change my desk lamp.

yeah, i've been quite busy

been doing a lot of overtimes lately. i get home tired and only wanting to sleep.

there's been a glitch at work lately. Things aren't what they seemed. and now i'm scrabbling to pick up the pieces as little details fall apart.

i'm eating a bowlful on noodles as i write this, half-wondering what to do next.

i could work until the wee hours and sleep all morning. or call it a night and have an early start tomorrow. either way i have decided to stay home and work from home. i need a long stretch of focused time so i could dig in the foundations of my big presentation at the end of the month. i don't want any more midnight marathons that i have no choice about.

edward and jacob. well, both messaged me this week. and jacob has been his usual attentive self.

i just wish i could change my facebok status real soon. *lol*

two and a half hours of sleep

that's all i had. because i was stubborn and went home at 3AM because i could not make myself cut short my time with jacob.

we were together for almost eleven hours. and every time i thought we would call it a day (or a night) it metamorphosed into another conversation or another activity. i did not have the heart to end it sooner than he would.

tsukiakari (moonlight)

my current favorite song. discovered while watching Darker Than Black. it was the ending song. ^__^

Without knowing I'm alone underneath this moonlight I called out only your name I've been searching for the future forever Inside this light...

I've got a feeling that fragile things are being moved far off By the power of always, always believing you'll be near me

Without knowing I'm alone underneath this moonlight I called out only your name I believed in quiet affection Inside this light...

There's never a time when I don't think about you On nights where it's like I can't catch hold of anything There isn't a day I don't think about it May my hesitating heart reach you

Call out my name underneath this moonlight I promise I'll go see you, no matter where To your side

Without blinking once in this moonlight You quietly gazed at me I've been searching for the future with you Inside this light...

need to re-assess and reboot

okay, so work is getting to a peak again. and now i think i have to figure out a better way for managing work and my home life. i get so tired at the end of each day that it becomes only too easy to forego things like eating. my home is beginning to be like a hotel room where i go to bathe and sleep before going back to work again.

i have been doing a lot of overtime work this past week. so the current scenario is an exhausting one: i drive myself to and from work, time in at around 730AM and time out at around 10PM. while in the office i do multiple project-related tasks layered over with a substantial administrative and managerial responsibilities.

i am very frustrated that i could not work out a schedule to work out. i am mentally exhausted by work and at the same time unable to sustain a good physical practice. the stress has also begun to render me severely sleepy more frequently during the day. it's like my body and my brain want to shut down.

now i have a sore throat scratching at me. i have a loss of appetite and all i could think of is curling up in bed.

but i know i have to come up with a plan. for the next few weeks. how to finish all the work and be able to go to the gym and resume regular practice next saturday. i am frustrated that i do not have the mental and physical strength to practice last saturday and most likely today. i need a strategy.

the other stuff

i have this long post about something that happened at work but i need a bit more time to put it together. yes, something else is happening in my life other than my heart story, hahahaha!

i have also recently purchased two sets of Bleach characters - captains and lieutenants! i want to post photos soon.

twists and triggers

well my wish got granted. i got to see jacob yesterday. ^__^

jushiro was instrumental in getting the three of us together to hang out, and in the course of the evening he managed to poke curious questions and plant curious thoughts.

jacob, on the other hand, for some strange reason, went on an edward-bashing mode which amused jushiro.

i'm just glad i wasn't in needy mode and was able to enjoy the amusement of it all.

after i got home jacob was in messaging mood and i had to deliberately end it at some point because i was getting sleepy. i slept with a smile on my face though. ^___^

jushiro fished for updates at every opportunity and has been itching to trigger jacob into something. while he consistently cautions me that this could all fizzle into nothing, he strongly feels otherwise.

crazy fairy tale.

so far, so good. still jacob.

i ended up going out tonight (or rather, last night), with edward and jacob. yes, just the three of us. dinner and movie, the usual. but coffee after was just with jacob.

fortunately for me, my heart was calm and un-needy. so i was able to enjoy having both of them with me and also enjoyed being able to observe myself and them with less emotion and more objectivity.

and so far, so good. still so jacob.

it has been a long time since jacob and i have had coffee by ourselves after the usual saturday night out. i loved how we just naturally slipped back into it. i missed having him all to myself after the usual saturday night.

earlier yesterday i was half-imagining having a talk with edward about my little troubles at work because i thought and felt he might be the better person to discuss them with. but i ended up talking to jacob about it and he even ended up giving me a perfect proverb as an analogy for my troubles. he also had the right kind of lightness and seriousness that actually helped ease the stress i was feeling. yet another moment when jacob saves the day. and always just when i least expect it.

i hope we get to see each other tomorrow. or rather, today.