i used to be so brave

i say and write that with a sigh.

tonight i was so sane. i spilled over a bit but i kept myself sane. as safely sane as i could.

i almost reached out to edward for help. and i did, actually. only i stopped myself in time and somehow managed to make it seem like one of my mysteries. but i don't really think i fooled him. i held back, however. and i did somehow manage to hug him by way of apology for my difficult behavior. hugging him was also my way of just finally breaking through that impersonal space he wraps about himself. i also wanted to see how i would feel.

but crossing that line with him only made it even more clear to me that i am no longer in love with him. and that falling in love with him again will take maybe a big bump on the head and an amnesia. or some really really supergrand gesture on his part. and maybe not even then. i was so close to spilling my heart out to him about another guy and i think that pretty much defines where things stand. (of course in quite a number of movies, these set-ups usually lead to some other kind of love story twist... oh but this is not about edward. this is about jacob.)

yes, jacob.

i think it's time for a resolution.