i know this is running away. and i know it is short-lived. a very temporary solution.

but for now it will have to do. i know i will have to confront everything soon enough.

i do not even know what it is that i am trying to postpone. all i have are guesses and hopes. and maybe out of habit i am expecting the worst, even when i make myself believe otherwise.

but my stifled nature will not sit still. nor will my heart resume a peaceful rhythm until all the answers are heard.

i cannot sit through days pretending. or maybe pretending is not the word. it is not so much about making believe, but believing. i do not know how much i can stretch my faith, when i have leapt so many times and ended up broken somewhere.

right now i feel safe. a false safety. because i know the moment i see him everything will betray me. my heart. my spirit. my thoughts. even my words and my own actions.

i wish i could be brave again. pull out the arrow. dig for the bullet through wounded flesh. tickle my throat to throw up the poison. i used to be able to do all that. way before i could be totally lost. i could easily turn it into a game. like a puzzle to be solved. a test of courage, a little contest with myself on how long i can hold my hands over a flame.

even my dreams have betrayed me. they keep on showing me things i have said i would stop wishing for. with every decision to say no, my dreams keep on saying yes. it is almost hilarious to wake up exhausted from a dream of a happily ever after.

i am unsure what to do.

i would have leapt long before. i have always fought against the current. and now i am instead swept along with the flood.

i am unsure what to do. even the runes tell me directions that go both ways.

i could use a compass right now. i need to find my true north.